Love

Enmity Amongst Souls – Part I

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(I’ve been keeping this one under wraps for some time because I just haven’t had it in me to finish part II. However, I’m desperate to post something, lol. Hopefully my brain will start working soon. In the meantime, please like my blog and my Facebook page “Here”. Thank you for your support in my writing journey and even through my severe blocks. I hope you enjoy this short about a war on the horizon. Not even fully declared and already there are casualties.)

Enmity Amongst Souls – Part I

“même dans la mort tu es ma vie”

I let a tear slip down my cheek and then I slowly slid my hand over Kerri’s lifeless eyes to close her lids. I could no longer bare to look into her once brilliant blue eyes to only be greeted with emptiness where so much life used to reside. 

I began to cradle her head once more when I started to feel a tug on my upper arm. I tried so hard to avoid it. Whatever was pulling me away, I just couldn’t let it. I couldn’t be taken from Kerri. Not even in death. For even though she lay in my arms, no longer responsive, she was still the life that flowed within my veins.  

“We have to go…” Words were said but they came through more like small whispers upon the wind being carried from miles away. There was a nagging in the back of my mind though that was telling me otherwise. I continuously tried to shut it out but as another tug came upon my arm, it was bolted forward once again.

“We have to go now Grayson. More will be coming.” I shook my head vigorously and yanked my arm back. No. I was not leaving. I would not leave. 

I began to hold Kerri even tighter refusing to let her go. “Dammit Grayson, I’m not going to let you stay here to die. They will come. Let’s go.”

An even more forceful tug came, causing me to drop Kerri’s head from my arms and snap my mind back to a slice of reality. 

Cam wanted me to go. He wanted me to leave the reason for my life behind me. To run from what took that life from me. They would come. I knew they would too but I just couldnt budge. 

“No. I won’t. I can’t leave her.” I frantically gathered up her head once more and laid it upon my lap. 

“I will drag your fucking ass down this alley. Grayson, she’s gone. Okay? I’m so sorry but we can’t just sit here and allow for grieving right now. She did not die so that you can just sit here and weep until they killed you too. Get the hell up and let’s go.”

Tears pooled out of my eyes and trickled down my cheeks landing upon Kerri’s pale, still, face. I stared blankly at the drops knowing full well that my best friend, my partner, was right. She was gone. She sacrificed herself for me and I shouldn’t allow that to go unnoticed. Her life would always reside inside of me so why could I not walk away? 

“I just can’t leave her body Cam. It’s not right.”

“If you don’t, you’ll body will be next to hers. You know she wouldn’t want that. Take my hand. We have to go.” Cam held out one hand to me and put his other to his head, cringing in pain. “I feel them getting close. We are running out of time.”

I glanced back at Kerri and then slowly began to lay her head on the ground as I slipped out from under her. I took Cam’s hand and rose to my feet. “Yeah, okay. You’re right man.” I stifled back the rest of my tears and tried to shift the focus of my mind. 

I knew a war had been brewing between the Sans Couer and the Chasseurs Sans Âmes but I didn’t realize that it had finally hit it’s all time high until today. I knew we weren’t ready to fight the Sans Couer at the level they were exhibiting, so I wasn’t quite sure what we were going to do. The Âmes had a lot to prepare for and without Kerri, our strongest sorcière and love of my life, we were all as good as dead. 

Even beginning to flee now, I had that feeling in my gut that we would all eventually be laying in a pool of our own blood, and on the cold hard ground, by the end of this war. This would eventually be all for naught. 

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A Burning Revenge (Part II)

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Part II is finally here! Brick has come to terms with the previous tragic events that stole his life and now his mind is set on figuring out the final form of his revenge. What will be next for Brick and how will he decide to make his enemies pay?
-Part II-

-1 week later-

Sitting upon the balcony of his hotel room, Brick was finishing his coffee and spacing out into the burning flame of a candle that was sitting on the table beside of him. Plans of revenge for Genie’s death, repeatedly bounced throughout his mind. He began to plan a number of different scenarios of which he could choose from when the time arose; which would be soon. Under normal circumstances Brick would have had an arsenal at his disposal if he had ever needed it, but now, he was on his own no matter what. Luckily, he had enough rage inside of him to push him through anything that arose. He would succeed on his own. 

Brick already knew his target, which is what led him to his current whereabouts in South America. It was obvious once he put the pieces together. He didn’t deal with many people who were capable of getting their hands on the type of explosives it took to demolish his house, and life. Brick knew how easy it was for Escobar to procure the means to accomplish the task he had, which was his own form of revenge.

Juan Escobar was a self proclaimed drug lord living in the shadows of the Norte del Valle Cartel after all of the original members dissipated. He was also the alleged son of Wilber Varela, a leader of said cartel, whom Brick was sent to dispose of many years back. Without a doubt, Brick knew that Juan, or men of which he employed, were behind his tragedy. Juan wanted revenge and had apparently been lying years in the wait for it. The only thing Brick didn’t understand is how Juan came about the knowledge that he was the one who had pulled the trigger. Varela was a sanctioned “mark” through the CIA and Brick was very good at his job, therefore, there really could only be one explanation. It wasn’t like the CIA would just allow information like that to slip out into the open; so not only did Brick have to worry about Juan and his self proclaimed Colombian drug lord title, he had to worry about the people he worked for. People that were close to him. There was an obvious leak within the CIA which meant it was best for Brick to finish this job as quickly as possible. 

A knock at the door stole Brick away from his detrimental thoughts and caused him to sigh in annoyance. He definitely wasn’t expecting anyone, to the world, Brick Regarde was supposed to be a pile of ash and Jose Santiago was the gentlemen residing in this hotel room. So who in the hell is Mr. Santiago receiving a visit from? Brick crept towards the door and grabbed his PT-1911 off of the table as he walked by. He took the safety off and cocked the hammer back as a precaution as he leaned in to listen through the door. Another knock came, followed by a voice.

“¿Hola? Servicio de habitaciones!”

Brick sighed in relief but was still hesitant to open the door. Too many years of training had taught him better than that. Without knowing for sure rather or not this was truly room service, he had to do something.

“No gracias. Por favor, vuelva más tarde.” A quick reassurance that room service was not needed should be enough for them to walk away. If they remained, well, there would be more trouble then he was hoping for.

Seconds later footsteps could be heard walking away back down the hall. Room service after all he thought; he lowered his gun and began to tuck it into he back of his pants as he started to walk away. Just as a sigh of relief had managed to escape his lips, something had crashed out on the balcony where Brick was once sitting. Quickly looking in that direction, and reaching for his gun once more, Brick was ready for whatever had just arrived.

Brick was ready but he wasn’t expecting what he saw. The table that was sitting on the balcony was now knocked over and the candle that had once been upon it, had fallen off. There was a fire now beginning to burn before his eyes as the candle’s flame caught the bottom of the cotton curtains that hung upon the patio doors. He chalked it up to a gust of wind but he felt in his gut that something was wrong.

Running to find something to snuff the fire out, Brick caught a glare out of the corner of his eye and followed his gut instinct to duck and roll behind the nearest piece of furniture. Within seconds of moving out of the way, a gunshot rang throughout the room and sliced through the air of where he was once standing. Someone knew that Brick was alive and had come to make sure the previous botched job was taken care of. 

With his PT-1911 still in hand, he peered around the couch he was behind and let a shot loose towards the man that was hiding on the balcony. Brick could see his arm peeking out from behind the building flames of the curtains and continued to aim for whatever he could hit. The assailant moved back and then quickly reappeared to fire back causing Brick to veer back into hiding. They continued to fire upon each other until Brick heard a grunt of pain and a clattering on the ground. 

Cautiously coming out from his shielding, Brick could see a bodily mass laying in the patio door way. At least six foot seven inches, three hundred pounds and a body covered in tattoos, he could tell this was definitely one of Juan’s hit-men. He walked closer, gun still aimed toward the body, in attempts to see if he were still breathing. He was. Brick rolled the body over to see his face and was greeted with wide eyes. Immediately Brick stood up, put his foot to his throat and aimed his gun towards his face.

“Did Juan send you?” Brick needed some official answers and this may have been his only chance to get them.

The hit-man just quirked his mouth to the side and smiled allowing blood to drip out upon his face. Brick forcefully shoved his boot harder on his throat causing him to gurgle and choke on his own blood. “Quiero respuestas. ¿Quién te envió, y que es su informante?” 

Silence fell upon the room as Brick’s questions were still going unanswered. “Ahora!” He yelled, desperately seeking his answers.

Another smile gleamed across the bloody mess that was laying before him, but this time, words followed as well. “Juan will watch you burn. Rialdo will see to that. He..” A cough escaped his mouth followed by another gurgle of blood “He will have revenge. We… never stop. Morirás.”

His eyes fluttered shut, his head fell to the side, and blood pooled from his mouth. He was gone. His last words would not go unnoticed but to Brick, he knew them to be lies. As he shoved the bodily mass a few inches over into the still burning flames on the curtains, he knew who would really be the ones to burn. 

Brick grabbed his things and made his way to the door. He leaned up against the entryway and stared back among the flames. He watched as the body ignited in a blaze of light and the smoke began to carry the stench of burnt flesh. He sighed in relief at the slight feeling of accomplishing part of his task for revenge. A fallen enemy lay before him burning in the same kind of flames that had stolen Genie. Some how, that made everything better. He now knew exactly how Juan would pay with his life and it made him actually smile. He also knew he would even extend that courtesy to Rialdo. That backstabbing bastard would pay with the rest. It wasn’t Brick that was going to burn. It wasn’t him that was going to die. It was him though, that would relinquish that unto all of those who had a hand in destroying his life. It was him alone that would watch them all burn.

 

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A Burning Revenge

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When Brick returns home from his latest trip away, he is greeted with far more than he bargained for. Instead of happiness to be back home, he is left with a deep seeded need for revenge…

-Part I-

Driving home from his most recent assignment, all Brick could think about was seeing his girlfriend’s face. They had been apart longer than he would have liked this time, and then on top of his extended traveling time, his flight home had been delayed. He had been hoping to originally catch Genie before she had left for her shift at the hospital, but he knew, after calling her from the airport, that she was already on her way out. Instead, Brick was hoping to at least have something special waiting for her when she returned.  
As Brick turned on to the long driveway towards his home, he felt a rumbling beneath his car. His Audi began to vibrate and he could feel trembling through the steering wheel and into his palms. He would have chalked it up to a minor earthquake if he hadn’t also heard an explosion and began to see flames spring before his eyes. He realized then, that his house would be no longer. 

Brick drove down the drive as far as he could and then proceeded to climb out of his car to watch the remains of his house crumble. He silently began to thank his lucky stars that Genie was already at work. At least knowing that, he could breathe calmly. 

And then he heard it…

A scream. 

At first it was faint and he figured it to be nothing. Then he saw it. A shadow within the bedroom window. Then a body slamming into the glass. Pounding to break free and screaming through the smoke induced coughs, Genie was starting to succumb to the disaster she had been caught in. The house was toppling down around her and the flames were breaching the barrier she attempted to create inside her room. Genie knew it was over and calmly stopped fighting. She glanced out the window and banged on it one last time, while cursing it for always being broke. She saw Brick outside of the window and gave the smallest of smiles, and then while staring at his face, She embraced herself as the flames came closer and her screams filled the air once more. 

Brick watched her burn in that fire. He stood there, his mouth agape with her screams flowing through his ears and piercing his heart. There wasn’t anything left that he could do. Even if there was, his body was too much in shock to even move a muscle. His eyes couldn’t even be averted from her flame covered body as skin began to melt from her bones. He was scarred, every part of him. He knew he should have been the one in that fire and even though he wasn’t, It was almost as if he was; for most of his soul had just evaporated with hers, as her body turned to dust. 

Falling to the ground upon his knees, Brick just stared upon the flames whilst the smoke began to limit his breathing and ability to see. He barely even noticed the sudden restrictions until sirens began to fill the void of silence in-between the crackling noises of the fire. With both Genie and his house gone, there was only one option left for Brick. He had to flee. The sirens were getting closer and he couldn’t afford to be found alive. Someone had wanted Brick dead and he was going to give them that. At least the illusion. 

Once his enemies had fallen for that illusion, he had every intention on shattering it. By any means necessary, Brick would have revenge. He had a burning heat building within him now; one he cared not to control. That heat inside had taken his soul and he vowed to have that heat take theirs.

 

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A Mother’s Pain

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Her eyes were usually a smokey bluish gray but now with tears forming I could see them change to a glassy ice blue in an unusual way.

They gleamed in the light and shined with pain and as they stared at mine I could see through them into her eternal thundering rain.

Her moans were getting louder and my ears were catching it all; every single sound pierced my heart like an urgent siren’s call.

I wanted to help her but I had done all I knew that I could, if only that small bit of sentiment was enough to comfort her as I wish that it would.

So I lay her head on my chest and held her body tight, knowing the only thing I could do was to stay with her through her fight.

Hopefully my presence alone would be enough to dry her tears, so those icy blue eyes could turn back to their normally colored, grayish spheres.

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Wishing Upon a Star

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After Mikey overhears his buddy, Brett, reciting nursery rhymes he antagonizes him for being the softest All Star Quarterback ever. Little did he know, Brett had a secret, and was simply trying to keep a promise which lead to questions only the universe knew the answer to. 

——–

“Starlight, star bright, first star I see tonight”

Was that Brett that I heard reciting nursery rhymes? It couldn’t be. I must be hearing things. I finished my trek down to the basement with my six pack in hand. Maybe I already had a few too many because now, at the bottom of the stairs, I swear I could still hear Brett.I

“I wish I may, I wish I might…”

Oh, it definitely was, and I just couldn’t help myself. “Get some ass, by the end of the night” I shouted in the midst of my laughter as I made my way to Brett who was staring out of the sliding glass door.

Brett turned and glared at me. Apparently that was not how the rhyme went.

“Way to be mature, asshole.”

“Really Brett? You’re the one singing to stars. Where is the maturity there?” I pulled out a beer and handed it off before I plopped myself on the couch in front of the TV. 

“You’re always so quick to judge Mikey. Its your ultimate flaw man.”

“Aww, did I hurt your feelings? Now you have to start talking about my flaws to make yourself feel better? Dude, you’re a 22 year old, all star quarterback, who is currently being looked at for the upcoming draft.”

“So? Was there a point in that last statement?”

“The point is, you shouldn’t be singing to the fucking stars at night man.”

“Mikey, I swear, you are so damn single minded. Do you even care as to maybe WHY I was doing that.” Brett huffed and slumped onto the couch at the opposite end.

I shrugged “Because deep down your rapport for childish things turns you on? Or maybe you’re just secretly gay?”  

“Because even if I were gay, that would provoke me to sing to stars? You’re full of shit Mike. How about my rapport towards my little sister?”

Brett raised an eyebrow in my direction and then turned to focus on the game. I really felt like I screwed the pooch on this one. I screw up often but it just felt different this time. I felt an ache in my chest and a severe case of guilt began to settle on my conscience. “I didn’t know you had a sister.”

He glanced back at me swiftly but I could still tell I had upset him. His eyes were bloodshot and glassy with droplets forming in the corners. “I don’t… Not anymore.”

Now I really felt like a piece of shit. I shook my head and almost teared up myself. “I’m really sorry… I…”

Brett reached out and gave me a playful punch in the arm. “Its alright. You didn’t know. I shouldn’t have been so defensive.”

We both turned our attention to the game and it became eerily quiet for the next 10 minutes until i heard Brett release a saddened sigh. “It was during the summer before I left for college when it happened.”

I could tell this was going to be the story of his sister. He didn’t have to tell me, especially after how I had acted, but I appreciated the sentiment. I could also tell this was going to need another beer. I pulled two out, handed one to Brett, and encouraged him to continue.

He nodded his head solemnly and started once again. “My sister, Tracey, had just turned 6 a month prior to finding out she had leukemia. It was extremely hard for the family to handle. The only one to stay strong was Tracey herself. It was amazing on how much life was still generating throughout her body. Nothing could ever break her spirit. Some days we even forgot she was sick. What I loved most about her though was the extreme amount of thoughtfulness that she continuously displayed for the world.”

Brett stopped for a moment, wiped his stray tears away and then took a swig of beer before finding his footing in his story. 

“For a 6 year old, I always thought that was something special. My sister loved wishing on the stars but Instead of wishing for toys for herself, she always wished for others. Most times, instead of toys, she would wish for others to just be warm and happy.”

“That is something pretty special, man. ” I tried to hide my own tears that began to form but at this point it probably didn’t matter. My heart was already being lifted higher than it had ever been. 

“What’s even more special is that when she became sick, that never changed.”

Brett took another drink and tried to force a smile through his saddened composure. This story was taking a toll on us both. 

“When she was finally made to stay in the hospital for her last days, she still insisted on taking time for the stars. Even when she became too weak to go to them herself, She insisted I carry her and lay her upon the window. Every night I did, and every night, she never spoke once of herself. Never once did she wish she was better or that she could live longer. She wished for the world’s happiness, her family’s happiness, all before she ever uttered words about herself.”

How a little kid could possess such a strong aversion to self preservation is beyond my understanding. How any person could never stop, just once, to think of themselves is unbelievable. 

“We knew when her last night had come. We could all tell how quickly she had deteriorated and there was nothing left to be done. Barely breathing and barely holding her eyes open, she asked me once again to take her to the window.”

Brett’s words were becoming shaky and hard to understand through the tears but I just leaned forward and listened harder. 

“After she made her wishes for the night, she looked at me with tears in her eyes and said ‘Who will wish for them when I’m gone Brett? Who will make sure everyone is okay?’. I couldn’t hide the shock that sprung across my face after she spoke those words. Her last moments and that’s what she chooses to say? I never loved that girl as much as I did in that moment. I would never want to let that little girl down, so I told her I would. I promised her I would continue to make her wishes whenever I saw the stars. The same exact way she did.”

With that, my asshole status just went through the roof. I was such a prick before, I couldn’t even stand it. I stared at Brett and then just watched him crumble. I couldn’t help but scoot closer and offer any support that I could. The second I was closer he latched on to my arm and cried on my shoulder. 

“I’ll never understand why Mikey. Why that little girl, so young, was taken from this world. This world is slowly dying without people that hold the kind of compassion that she did and yet… she’s gone. The world decided to expel one of the rarest and truest souls that ever existed. No matter how much time passes, I will never get over it.”

I continued to offer my support and allowed Brett to cry as much as he needed. I patted his back and tried to keep my own tears at bay. 

“I don’t understand either. It’s not fair at all. Even more so that it was your sister. I’m so sorry man.”

We both sat there and pondered life’s shitty decisions until we kind of went back into the rhythm of the game on TV. 
It was best that way. Fading out a conversation that intense and full of emotion was not an easy feat. I’m not even sure that conversation will ever fade out inside of my head though. 

When it came down to it, I really couldn’t understand it. It was an enigma that apparently only the universe was meant to know. It better had a damn good reason too. No one, especially someone that precious, deserves to be snuffed out before their lives had even began. She could have changed the world. 

I know she changed mine

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Onyx Heart

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A heart as dark as onyx was thought to be abandoned to the pits of hell and lost forever. There were rumors however, that it could be found. Even if it were though, it would be so undesirable that it could never be repaired. It would never again pump the flowing red blood that it was made for. It would never pulsate within ones chest. It was blackened for eternity and it would never feel again. It was a rumor started of uncertainty. A myth to scare those from the chances of darkening their hearts to each other. The fear of never again to be allowed to feel had made them distant from one another instead of the closeness that they had once desired. No one dared to cross another in hopes to keep their hearts pure. Those who thought they were pure though would never understand that the purest of hearts were the ones that had once been a victim of the darkness. No one knew that the onyx hearts could be saved for the myth spoke their truth. A blackened heart turned pure red once again though, was the sign of purity. It was the real sign of hope and love. Coming back from the pits of hell took strength and courage. It took the love that they all sought. Instead of ever knowing this, the majority remained aloof in their world of distance. Instead of risking the dark to have happiness and love, they lived in the shadows of uncertainty and mediocrity. There were very few that risked for love and only they had discovered the truth in living. 

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Where Were You…

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Where were you when my tears were falling and my heart was breaking. 
Where were you when everything within me could only feel aching. 
Where were you as I thought your name within my head. 
Where were you as I lay alone within my bed. 
Where were you when the times really mattered. 
Where were you when everything was shattered. 
Where were you when I inhaled my last breathe of air. 
Where were you, that’s right, you’re never there.

 

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Broken Back

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That was the straw that broke the back
My back to be exact. 
For the hundredth time, at least it seemed, I let forth my worries, my loves, and my dreams. 
You, my knight in shining armour, laughed and ripped them at the seams. 
Now a paraplegic with emotions of the heart, and the pain of being immobilized that has torn the rest of me apart. 
I’ve been put on bed rest for an undisclosed amount of time, the back you’ve finally broken now no longer feels like mine. 
My knight, my love, the one I called my own, the pain you’ve caused is searing and has left us now with moans. 
My moans, my pain, my back that is broke all because of the one straw you continued to envoke. 

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You Were…

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You were the light in my darkness that helped me find my way. You were my beacon of love that I followed everyday. You were the glimmer of hope within my despair. You were the stitch in my wounds so they’d no longer tear. The strength to my weakness and the beat of my heart. My muse and my passion that inspired my art. 

You were my everything. You were my soul. So without you now, two is the toll. Death is imenent when the light has been snuffed out. Leaving the darkness to fester and mingle about. 

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Puppet

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My strings have been let lose instead of straight and taught. I’m hunched over with my face to the ground. Without the one who pulls my strings my body is destined to stay a pile of broken and useless pieces. I am incapable of maneuvering on my own but the one that controlled so much of me has given up. I’m alone and now must find a way to straighten my strings once again or find the strength to cut them completely. I am useless without a master and yet I still will hold the hope to survive.

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Bleeding Heart

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My heart aches to think of you. It cries forth with pain. As the tears stream down my face my hearts blood does the same.
Drip by drip the pool expands. higher and higher with haste. it overflows as it grows over the max, blood haphazardly displaced
Drowning. Drowning. No will to tread the seas. Sinking to the unknown depths with sheer determination and ease.
Lost. Forgotten. Pain bubbling and searing. Blood congealing, no healing causing any humanity left to start disappearing.
Now being encased in coagulated remnants of my heart just proves my innards were always meant to fall apart.
Aching. Crying. Falling. It’s all over now. Options that a lost humanity chooses to disallow…

*I always liked this one but I never did really give it a proper finish.*

Falling Tears

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I would love nothing more than to be able to say that the tears that stained my shirt were justified, but they weren’t. Not even close. There was no fathomable reason for a single drop to be shed. And yet they just kept falling. The sadness I felt had no roots to even plant and yet some how it still managed to flourish. It overtook my ability to resonate with any current situation and instead found the power to drown me in its growing and disturbed beauty. One tear created a million and though there was no initial cause, in the end there will be a reason for all that had fallen. In the end, everything will be clear once again.

Pride vs My World

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I had to swallow my pride to speak the truth. There was only one revelation and it would be the end of my self preservation. Realization that i alone would never be enough to make my world remain afloat as it sat in the depths of the darkest pits in the furthest galaxy. I needed your strength to become the gravity that keeps me grounded. I needed your smile to become the brightest stars on my darkest nights. Your arms to provide warmth when my seasons need a change. Your tears of joy and sadness to become my rain when my own is merely not enough to sustain life. I even need your anger, pain, and determination to feul the storms that my world so desperately needs to continue its natural cycle. Recognition that my world is nothing without you is the only way I could survive. Your love alone is what Is needed to keep revolving and pride is just a minor causality compared to the lose there would be otherwise.

Broken He(Art)

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Broken pieces are scattered inside
All casualties of my heart which has died
I once thought it was possible to repair
Now I know its a futile affair

Without the proper glue that you once held
My heart will never hold the weld
Forever broken inside my chest
Pieces and pain to some how digest

Too much for one person to fight
Yet here I am and to your delight
Tears are falling and pain is searing
The future is bleak and disappearing

I look forward and see the dark
The direction I shall soon embark
Leaving behind pieces of my broken heart
For you to gaze upon as your own work of art

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Writing…

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“There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.”

By far one of my more favorable quotes that once came from Hemingway’s brilliant mind. It’s a daunting truth really. Writing is simple. It’s pure passion. It comes from within. What makes that a hard pill to swallow is when people shy away from what you write. When they think your blood staind on the paper isn’t enough. When, to them, there is too much blood to see a message, not enough blood to seep through or just having a non compatable type. To bleed with no acknowladgement is how a writer dies. Once it flows there is no stopping and soon there will be nothing left but a hollow shell unless there is someone willing to donate their own blood to the cause. I believe that most writers are victims in need of transfusions. Passion for passion. Those who crave to read and those who bleed to write. One does not simply exist without the other which in turn makes writing far more than nothing. It makes it challenging and frightening. It seems like no work at all to slice a vein and let it bleed, and in reality, it’s not, but when no one knows how to make it stop, or give you more… Death will be emanant. Writing is tretourous and it’s a hard thing to handle.

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Be Silent

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Be still my beating heart, for your fluttering is far too loud
Sleep my butterflies for your wings are too endowed
Be gone relentless musings for there are too many in my head
Please my dear body, be silent, for if not I will surely be dead
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Alcoholic Confessions

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The whiskey felt as if it were seeping through my body and into my bloodstream. I may as well have hooked up an IV straight into my veins as strong as i was receiving the liquid. My head was quickly becoming incapacitated and i loved every single bit of it. My thoughts were no longer even my own and that aspect alone had me giddy with the notions of outlandish possibilities. My thoughts, They belonged to Mr. Jack. He controlled what started to spew from my mind and the words that were sprouting forth from my fingers. For I knew that once i woke in the morning i wouldn’t remember any of it. All i would have was my written work to remind me of what kind of drunken human being i was. Hopefully an amusing one because god knows i need to have some sort of talent. If it isn’t depth than i surely choose laughter as a second. Which was good since laughter was the only audible sound to be expelled from my numbed lips. The world in itself had just seemed to be filled with hilarity and absolute obnoxious, yet realistic, properties. Nothing would bring me down from my short lived internal high. If it tried, I wouldn’t let it anyway. I needed to disappear and let someone else take over the reins for a bit and if Jack chooses that responsibility than ill let him. At least there will be a part of me that will be in complete bliss. Complete happiness. Absolute utter irresponsibility at its best and I didnt give two flying fucks. Inebriation was all that mattered and all that could be depended on to be a constant. Relishing in my bad judgments has just made life more interesting as my eyes begin to flutter and then clamp shut for their final time. The only thought that gleams through my mind is “beauty”, as my mind disappears behind the liquid that was flowing through its passage. “Pure Beauty”.

 

empty-glass

Even Though..

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My eyes can see and yet they are blind
I have ideas and yet I know I’ve lost my mind
My heart it feels even though it’s been bled
I hear sounds even though my drums are dead

Letting Go

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“When are you going to stop looking at your phone every 5 minutes?” Avery glared at me from across the dinner table and spoke with an iced tone.
“Ave, leave your sister alone and finish your food.” My mother snapped at my younger sister for what was probably the fifth time today. Avery was only 11 to my 17 years of age and she just didn’t understand what I felt right now. I didn’t even understand what I was feeling right now.
“Its okay mom. Shes right. When am I going to stop staring at it? When will I realize that what i keep hoping for, is an impossibility. When mom?” My eyes started to burn and I could feel a few tears pushing their way through. I didn’t have many left after this past month but it always seemed like there were at least enough to show the world my obvious pain.
“Ally baby, it will happen in your own time. Its not easy when someone that was so much a part of your life disappears from it.”
“Of course I know that, but this is different. Its my fault that we aren’t together right now. Its because I wasn’t there, that my once best friend, no longer calls me. I will never see his face again or kiss his lips. I loved him and now he’s gone.” I stood up from the table and ran to my bedroom like a little kid. Tears pouring down my cheeks profusely. 
     I slammed my bedroom door shut behind me and just threw myself onto the bed with my face in the pillows. I knew no one would come talk to me for the rest of the evening. This isn’t the first time this scene has played out but I just couldn’t make it stop. 
     I wanted to just lay there and cry myself to sleep but at the same time, I was afraid to close my eyes. Every time I did, I saw him. Mark’s deep brown eyes staring into mine. Ever since I lost him, thats all Ive seen. Every memory we’ve had, every word spoken, and that final day just replays repeatedly in my head like a nightmare. 
     My eyes closed involuntarily and I was fast asleep in no time, despite my fears.
     There he was. Lounging in the Layzboy recliner, in my living room, playing the XBOX. It was the cutest sight. To see how intense he was with just a video game. How enthralled he could become. Even though he was obviously preoccupied, he still could always feel my presence. The second I walked into the room he paused his game and turned to look at me. It always amazed me how he did that and that he even would. 
“Hey, baby. Ready to snuggle?” He did a half grin and then sat the controller down on the floor and put his                right hand out for me to take it. I took his hand and then curled up on top of him. I laid upon his chest for a good 10 minutes before either of us spoke. It was a small slice of heaven that turned to hell in a matter of seconds.
“Are you excited for your 18th birthday?” I had been planning a surprise party for him and the closer it got, the more excited i became. I couldn’t contain my thoughts regarding it. Today was Thursday and his birthday and party were on Saturday. I only hoped that he would be as happy about the party and his birthday as I was.
“Eh. Mildly.” He leaned down and kissed my forehead.
“What do you mean mildly? You should be super excited.”
“After dealing with the family drama at Christmas, I’m just not looking for the drama at my birthday. Its inevitable though. Ive be grounded.”
My heart skipped a beat slightly “grounded? when? why?”
Mark sighed and then started to rub my side. “I know we talked about spending my birthday together but my mother is making me stay in the house this weekend for family festivities. My sister couldn’t make it for Christmas but is coming up tomorrow instead. I need to be there. I’m sorry baby. I hope this doesn’t ruin anything. We can celebrate next weekend.”
     My mind was frantically searching for something to say. It wasn’t his fault but i was hurt. I was angry. I stood up in front of him in tears already.
“Baby whats wrong? Don’t be mad.” He started to get up out of the chair and reach for me but i swiftly pulled away.
“I cant help it Mark. I am mad. You promised me.” I couldn’t control the tears or the words that started to spew. I was acting like a child. I knew it but I couldn’t stop. “I did so much Mark. You have no idea what Ive gone through to make Saturday special and you cant even fucking be there!” 
“Its okay, calm down. We’ll fix this some how. Whatever you had planned we can still do it but another time.”
“Its not okay and this cant be fixed. I need you to tell me you will be with me Saturday.”
     The moment I said those words, I knew what his response would be. I could see it in his eyes the moment he heard them. He didn’t even have to speak. I turned away from him and walked in the kitchen. He followed behind me trying to grab a hold of my arm.
“Please don’t walk away. How are you going to act like this? This isn’t what I had planned, it just happened. It was a last minute thing with my sister. I just found out last-night. You know I would be with you if i could. I love you Allison.”
“If you loved me, you’d be with me anyway.”
He backed away from me after I said that. The first time he actually said he loved me and I responded with that. I don’t blame him but I also didn’t care.
“You’re really going there? I tell you I love you and you don’t believe me because I choose to spend time with family, that I never see, over spending it with you. My sister goes home Sunday and you’re still here. Please tell me how this is fair?”
“Because your sister is bitch who has never been there for you. She has constantly put you down and caused problems and you don’t need to be around that negativity on your birthday. I planned so much Mark. I rented out a place that I could only get for this weekend, I had your best friend flying in to be here for you. There was so much that cant just be switched to another weekend. Its all ruined because your sister decides to drop in for her once a year visit.”
     Mark just looked at me in stunned silence. I knew he was trying to decide rather or not he was going to keep talking to smooth things over or if he just wanted to walk out. I wouldn’t even give him the chance to figure that out. 
“Why don’t you go home and get things ready for your sister tomorrow. I have a lot of phone calls to make for cancellations. You sure as hell better enjoy this weekend since you are putting her before me. I don’t want to hear otherwise. Call me when she’s gone.” I turned and just walked away. Leaving him standing there in the kitchen. I went in the basement to fold some laundry, half expecting him to follow me and apologize. Five minutes went by and then I heard the front door slam. He left things as they were which left me with tears of anger and sadness.

     I checked my phone on and off the rest of the night and all day Friday. I was hoping he would call despite our argument. The fact that he didn’t call, found a way to upset me more. I had no right to be upset though. About any of it. My pride turned me into a monster that destroyed my relationship without any qualms. I wanted to fix everything but I didn’t know how. The first step that I took was to get over myself and call to apologize. Of course though, he didn’t answer. I should have left a message but I didn’t. He was obviously ignoring me on purpose which caused the monster to grow into an even more fierce being.
     I put my phone on silent Friday evening and vowed to leave it be until Sunday, at the very least. I was even going to refuse to attempt in calling on his birthday. I went to bed around 10, angry and bitter Friday night. 
     I open my eyes to find Avery standing over my bed with a frightful look on her face. She put her hand on my face gently. “Its getting worse Ally. The screaming keeps getting louder.”
     I looked over at the alarm clock and saw that it read 1:24. Its always 1:24. Every night, I wake up screaming to a voice inside of my head yelling for me to get up. It scared me shitless but I didn’t know how to make it stop. I knew it was my guilt trying to push its way through. It woke me up every night at the exact time that Mark tried to call me that Friday night. He had needed me but my pride shut him out. All I had left was a voice mail.
     I leaned over to the nightstand and grabbed my phone as Avery walked back out of my room. I didn’t have the nerve to delete the only piece i had left of Mark. His voice remained on my phone, and every night that i was awoken, i listened to it. The way i should have listened that night.
     Mark was in tears on the other line. I could hear the pain in his voice. “Ally, I’m sorry. You were right. I should have just told my family to fuck off this weekend. I had a huge argument with my sister, and then my mother, and just… a lot happened baby. I really need you right now. I’m driving across the Winters Run Bridge right now and I just want to turn right into it. I need your voice to tell me not to. I need you bring me back baby. I love you…”
     The phone clicked and the call was over. The last words I had of him. I never knew that he had felt bad enough about his family to say those things. I always knew there were a lot of problems but he had never talked suicide before. Even with that voice-mail, I still have a hard time believing it. His actions though, made me believe. Made me believe in his pain that I knew nothing about. Made me believe that I was the reason this happened. I could have saved him if i wouldn’t have been stubborn enough to shut my phone off. If we wouldn’t have had our argument maybe these circumstances wouldn’t even have occurred. I tried not to blame myself but how could i not? 
     It had been about a month and I was still waking up to the voices. Even on the nights that I have tried to stay up past the dreaded 1:24, I would wake at 6 instead. The time my mother came in to tell me that Marks car had gone over a bridge. He was gone now and my subconscious was continually making sure that I remembered why. I never even went to his funeral because i had locked myself in my room for days. I couldn’t get over the last things i said to him. I never even told him how much i loved him too. 
     I deserved this. Every bit of the torture i endured in the night. He also deserved to know that. To know it all. 
     I don’t know what came over me but i had to leave. I needed air. I grabbed my coat and keys and jumped in my car. I didn’t care where i went, I just drove. I should have figured that if my subconscious was running things that i would end up here. Angel Hill Cemetery. Ive avoided this place since day one and yet now, here i was. I didn’t know where Mark was buried but I just walked through the grave stones and somehow manged to find his name. 
     My heart stilled at the sight of his name printed on the cold gray stone. For a moment i wasn’t even sure it would start up again. My legs became uncontrollably weak and i just fell to my knees into the dew covered grass and sobbed. 
“I’m so sorry baby. You shouldn’t be here. This shouldn’t have happened. None of it should have happened. I love you. I should have told you that the moment you said it to me. I’m such an idiot to have let a silly thing such as pride get in the way. I had no idea that this could have been a possible outcome. I’m not ready to let you go. I cant let you go. Please come back to me..” I was sobbing to the point that i couldn’t even see any longer. i was hurting so bad and I just wish he could hear me. To know how badly i felt. How wrong I was. I would take it all back if I could. 
     I lay there sobbing on top of his grave for probably hours. It was the closest I had felt to him since I lost him and I never wanted to leave. I never wanted to let go of any part of him again but I knew I couldn’t continue to live like this either. I wanted to take my own life to be with him. It was only right. 
     I eventually passed out from all of the sobbing and woke to the sun rising into the sky. I picked myself up and drove home, knowing what it was I needed to do. 
     I locked myself in my room and took what I had left of the Vicoprophen from my back injury a few months ago. I was never a fan of pain killers but I had a deep pain that I could not recover from on my own, or at all. I curled up in bed holding onto my extra pillow as i felt the pills kick in and send me off to sleep.

“What did you do Ally?”
     I heard his sweet voice and I knew I had to be in heaven. At least I was hoping I was there by his side. “Mark?”

I turned my head around swiftly trying to find the mouth that spoke those words. All I could see was a white emptiness surrounding me.
“What did you do Ally?”
“Mark please. I need to see you”  I started to see a faint shadow appear in front of me and I felt as if I lost all control of myself. All muscle function fled from me.
     The shadow knelt down to grab my hand and I could finally, lightly, make out his face “Ally baby, why?”
“Mark. Oh my god.” I threw my arms around his neck and held him tighter than anything ever before. “Its really you.”
“Allison, why?”
“I’m so sorry Mark. Its all my fault. None of this should have happened. I love you so much and I wasn’t there for you. I did this. To both of us.” I felt his hand come up to cheek to wipe away a tear. I had never felt anything quite so soft and gentle.
“Baby, its not your fault. Look at me…” He grabbed my chin and forced my eyes to his “Its my fault. It was never your job to save me even though I know you would have tried. I was in a bad place for a long time but I kept everything inside because I didn’t want to bring you down. You were the only thing that made me happy and I couldn’t stand  it if I made you worry about me. If I would have been open about what was going on with my emotions then maybe I could have gotten help sooner. It was my choice in a moment of weakness.”
“But our fight Mark. I shouldn’t have..” He put his finger to my lips to make me stop talking.
“Yes, we had a stupid argument. It happens. However, it had no bearings on what I was feeling that night.”
“I never got to tell you how I loved you.”
“Aww baby, I already knew. You didn’t have to say it for me to see it. I could see it in the way you cared for me. Its okay. Its time for you to let it go.”

  fade away but I could still hear the voice in my head “Get up Ally. Get up!”
     My eyes fluttered open and I could see bright white walls and hear a beeping over to my right. I then heard a frantic scream from Avery yelling for mom. The next thing I knew, I had arms around me and kisses on my face.
“Don t you ever do something like that again. Oh my god Ally, we thought we lost you. When you didn’t answer and the door was locked I called the cops in a panic. I am so happy I did because they said if it were any longer…. I, I’m just so happy you’re okay.”
     As my mom continued to hug me I remembered what I had did, and where I must have been. I also remembered Mark. For the first time though, I smiled when I thought of his face. I wish I wouldn’t have had to put my family through this to get that feeling but I finally felt as if I could let go of what happened. I will always miss him and Ill never forget. 
     That night, I slept until the sun rose the next morning. The morning that marked a new beginning.

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Heart for Heart

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 Everywhere I look, I see hearts. Red hearts, pink hearts, damn near every color of the rainbow hearts, and I have about had it. The only heart that matters to me right now is the one that’s broken to pieces and bleeding within my chest. Even that heart, I wish I could forget. I wish I could rip it directly out of my chest cavity and either find a way to mend the broken pieces or finish the job by throwing it in a blender and setting it to purée. At this point, I’m leaning more towards the purée option because I doubt there is anything in this world that could fix the damage done, or the pain that I feel. I’d rather destroy all that is left of myself before I let my heart beat, ache, or break again over Grant. 

Maybe I should look at things differently though. Maybe it should be Grants heart that I decide to rip from his chest. Ground it into a liquid form and then slowly force feed it back down his throat. Just envisioning that kind of makes my heart thump with enthusiasm instead of the pain it’s been forced to feel. 

So I guess that’s the answer to this silly holiday this year. It won’t be flowers and chocolates, or stuffed animals and colored candied hearts that make my own heart flutter with passion. It’ll be Grants heart, within my hands, taking its last beat that will bring me pleasure. To mend my own heart, I’ll need to use his. This valentine’s day I’ll be the one to create the butterflies within my own stomach, to fulfill that longing ache in my chest. There is nothing sweeter than delivering some much overdue revenge.

“Excuse me?”

I barely heard the faint voice coming from in front of me but it was enough to bring me back to the here and now. I looked down at the counter where the customer had sat her belongings that she wished to purchase. Among them, of course, were cards declaring love and heart shaped odds and ends. It was enough to make me want to vomit right on top of them.

It was always a happy experience for me working at Hallmark in my spare time. The holidays brought me joy. Watching people come in with smiles on their faces, happy to be purchasing objects for their loved ones. It provided me with a sense of elation that I don’t think I would have felt without seeing the love within everyone’s souls first hand. I no longer felt that.

Just something else Grant has taken from me. Now seeing the smiles on their faces just makes me want to carry out my venomous ideas on them as well. I could only hope that once the source of my pain was eradicated I would be myself once again. Someone who wasn’t filled to the brim with anger and animosity. Someone who used to love the people of the world instead of wanting to murder them all in cold blood. I could only hope. Until I made something happen I was forced to allow the world to see a face that was no longer exhibiting an ounce of truth.

“Are you ready to check out miss?”

“Yes.”

“Did you find everything alright?”

“Yes, thank you.”

I scanned each product and placed it into a bag, all while keeping my fake smile on my face and my vomit from coming forth. She swiped her card and I handed over her holiday oriented purchases.
“Have a nice day” Even though what I really wanted was for her to have the furthest from that. I was becoming such a misanthrope and soon it would start to show.

I managed to fight my way through the remainder of the day and decided it was time for me to decide just exactly what I was going to do with Grant. It was time that he paid for his indiscretions. I could no longer live with the pains that he had created.

I made my way back to my dorm room on campus. My roommate would still be in class so I would have some extra time to figure everything out. I don’t know if I’ve seen too many movies or read too many books but I had a plethora of ideas floating around in my head. My anger did not know any bounds and my imagination was beginning to run wild. I knew if I was going to do this that I should be smart about it and think everything through. The more I thought though, it seemed that my biggest concern was on how I would find a way to be alone with Grant.
I hardly looked in Grants direction any more, yet alone talk to him. He’s going to know something is up if I attempt to do so now, I had to figure something out or everything would just fall apart.

Hours went by before I even had any suitable ideas for luring floating around in my head. Its not that I was having second thoughts about my abrasive decision but I had to go over every single possibility to make sure it was done right. The last thing I wanted was to end up in jail just for getting the justice I deserved. Plus, ridding the world of Grant would be more of a civic duty. No one else needed to fall victim to his debauchery. I didn’t realize that I was capable of such inhuman qualities. I guess that when the devil decides to touch your heart, it’s not easy to keep him from taking full control. I have definitely proved that. I have welcomed the devil and his demons completely in with welcome arms. I have given them a permanent home to reside in. One filled with plenty of pain to feed upon to fuel the demons dark desires.

I was staring up at the ceiling when the final plans flashed through my mind. The ideas were there and it was finally time to turn them into a reality. My plan had boarded insanity, for the longer I thought about what I wanted to do, the less I thought about being caught. Eventually it came down to pleasing the demons within me, anyway possible. If that landed me in jail or dead in the end, I no longer even cared. My mission relied solely upon a gruesome revenge under any and all circumstances. My hunger for self-preservation had died the moment I allowed the devil full access.
I decided that the only way to get Grant anywhere alone, I would have to first find out if he already had plans set for Valentine’s Day and with whom. Two days to go and I felt like I had more than enough work cut out for me. I no longer spoke to anyone within Grants circle so I wasn’t entirely sure on how I was going to accomplish that. I would though. I would find a way to make it all happen.

******

Valentine’s Day arose, and at 5pm I was standing in front Grants room ready to start. I was wearing a blond wig that I had left over from Halloween and a shit load of makeup smeared across my face. I wanted to resemble Grants current flavor of the week as much as possible to cover my tracks and to ensure he would open his door. Grant had a single room so worrying about roommates wasn’t a problem. What was a problem, was the short amount of time I had allowed myself to finish everything. With the schedule that bastard led, I had no choice but to work around what I was given.
I stood for another second and then decided it would be best if I could just sneak up on him. I had a syringe filled of Suxamethonium waiting in my bag that I slowly began to pull out. Once I had the syringe in prime position, I began to turn the knob to his room, praying it was unlocked. It was.

I scanned the room for any signs of Grant but quickly realized the room was empty. I stood still for a moment and could faintly hear the sound of running water. Perfect actually. Grant was taking a shower. I crept in the bathroom and slowly opened the shower door without him noticing a thing. Grant had no idea that this was going to be his last moments.

I jabbed the syringe into his back and watched his body as it dropped to the floor. His eyes were still open and I knew he would still be aware of everything that was going on even though he couldn’t move a muscle. Somehow that made it even more appealing.
Maybe I took the easy way out by paralyzing Grant first but seriously, there was no way I could have fought him off without it. He didn’t deserve a chance to fight back anyway because that’s something he never even gave me.
Grant and I dated for 6 months. We were very serious in had declared our love for one another but had yet to consummate the relationship. I had a horrid past to overcome that he said he respected and loved me enough to give me whatever time I needed. I once thought that was the sweetest most caring thing in the world. Until Christmas when all of his Belligerent lies blew up in his face.
After giving me a gift with another’s initials upon it, Grant confessed to juggling multiple girls. Girls I even knew. Things had become heated. I was broken but I also knew that we were done. I turned to leave him but he did not allow it.
“I didn’t just waste 6 months of my time and mounds of money just for you to walk out on me.”
He grabbed my arm, spun me around, and then threw me against the wall. My head hit the molding that surrounded the door hard enough to cause blood to form and dizziness to occur. I was so close to falling unconscious due to the impact. Every day I wish I would have. Instead, I’m stuck with the memories of being immobile and unresponsive underneath of Grants body. He got what he wanted and then all I remember after was blackness. I passed out shortly after he had finished. Not only had he broken my heart that night but he broke my spirit. I loved him and he treated me like I was nothing. Regarded me as if I were his little whore he could control.
I awoke the following morning and immediately went to the police. The bastard was slicker and smarter than I would have imagined. He had cleaned everything after I had passed out. The destruction, the blood, the cum. There was no trace that anything had occurred except for a minor scrap that was left on my scalp. Not enough to prove a thing. Grant even managed to create an air tight alibi leaving me to even begin second guessing myself.
I knew what had happened and there was no one who believed me. What made everything worse was that when I looked at him I still felt a small pang in my chest. Just a sliver of love that was left over from what I had once felt for him. He killed every part of me that night. Destroyed every ventricle of my heart. It was joyous to know that the time was now for me to return the favor.
I stared into his eyes for a moment before I reached back in my bag for the cleaver I had brought. The cleaver felt unbelievable within my grasp. It felt like it was always meant to be there. That definitely did not bode well for my psyche. I could tell that the moment I decided to do this, there would be no turning back. My soul, what was left of it, would be lost with the rest.

   I chuckled softly to myself. I no longer controlled that choice and it no longer mattered to me either. I had a gleam in my eye and a smile on face. The pain within my heart already began to lift the second I allowed the tip of the clever to touch his chest. I never imagined I could feel such a rush of exhilaration just surge throughout my body. I knew at that moment there was no doubt in having to do this.

In one swift moment, I no longer saw the cleaver. It was now completely embedded within that bastard’s chest. I cut just enough space to fit my hand up under the rib cage. Enough room to yank his heart right from his chest. I didn’t even flinch, I didn’t even care. I cried tears of joy when I saw Grants heart emerge within the palm of my hand, still finishing its last beat. I then laid it on the floor and stabbed the clever through the middle of it. My pain dissipated completely at that moment and was now being emulated by the scene that sat before me. Best Valentine’s Day gift ever.

At that moment, I didn’t care what happened to me anymore. If I was caught and I had to spend the rest of my life in jail for this, then that would be okay. Even whilst behind a jail cell they would never be able to take the freedom away from me that I just gave myself. No one or no thing will ever be able to accomplish that again. The demons I have awoken will now make sure of that.

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Guessing Games

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“If you can guess what I have in my pocket you can have it.”

I scoffed, “Why would I want what’s in your pocket anyway? It’s probably just trash”

“Ehh, wrong. Not trash. Care for another guess?”

I stared at him in disbelief and shook my head “That wasn’t even a guess Lucas. It was a statement clarifying why I wasn’t playing your stupid game. ”

“Well it’s not trash so you have no reason not to play. So come on, just take a guess.”

“I swear Luke, some days you are just so annoying. Fine…. your wallet. ”

“Nope.” 

I threw my hands on my hips and glared at him. “What do you mean no? I can see your wallet bulging out of your back pocket. So hand it over. Rules are rules,” I started grabbing for his back pocket but he was trying to keep me at arms length. 

“Whoa now, I wasn’t talking about that pocket.” 

“You never designated a specific pocket. Any pocket is fair game. Better hand it over Bucko.”

“Ugh, fine. It’s not like there’s anything in it anyway. You know I don’t carry money.”

He shook his head and pulled his wallet out to give me. 

“A quick laugh at your driver’s license picture would cheer me up though,” I chuckled and snatched his wallet quickly before he changed his mind. 

“I bet you just find that hilarious. I’m glad I can entertain you with my poor photogenic qualities. ”

“As long as it makes you happy dear. Are we done playing now or will you continue to keep me guessing?”

“Why are you always so damn difficult Lacey?”

“I don’t call that difficult, I call it practical. It’s a waste of time. If you wanted me to have something I shouldn’t have to guess for it.”

“How old are you again Lace? I swear all of the fun has been sucked out of you ever since…” He stopped mid sentence, thinking better of it, but it was already too late. 

“Go ahead. You can say it. Ever since I found out about my mother. You’re right too, I just can’t help it. It’s always in the back of my head that I will no doubt turn into exactly what she is. It’s always going to be there Luke but you don’t have to deal with it too. Maybe it’s good that we know about her now so that you have your chance to get out while you can. ”

“Lacey, hush. This was obviously the wrong way to go about things. I guess it’s what I get for trying to think outside of the box.” Lucas dropped to one knee and then reached for my hand. “I know what you found out bothered you. I know that you are afraid. But I’m not. You are not her and you never will be. I have absolute faith in the person that you are and in what you strive to be. I want to be with you despite your fears because I know it’s not you.”

“But what if it is me.”

“Baby, it’s not. But, if something were to happen I would still stand by your side. Nothing would make me run from you. I want you forever, in spite of all that I already know. Your flaws and your perfections. I love you no matter what and I would love to spend the rest of my life proving that to you,” He reached for his pocket to pull out a small box. He opened it and tears immediately fled from my eyes. At the same time, I also started laughing, and I couldn’t stop. Lucas just stared at me in shock. He was hurt that I was laughing. I needed him to understand why. 

I knelt down with him and took both of his hands. “I don’t mean to laugh but I was just thinking about what I now know was a previous proposal. I feel like an idiot for not playing along.”

“I feel like an idiot for trying to be cryptic. This way was better. So Lacey, now that you know what was in my pocket, would you like to wear it?”

I put my arms around his neck and whispered “yes” into his ear. “On one condition though.” He pushed me back so he could see my face and then raised an eyebrow to get me to continue. “No more guessing games, alright?”

He chuckled And pulled me in for a hug. “Done.”

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