life

Time Management: Kids just don’t understand

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Is it really my daughters sole purpose in life to defy me and drive me crazy? If so, she’s doing an outstanding job, and if not, well, it definitely should be. 

Since 8 this morning my daughter’s breakfast has been sitting on her table. Just two simple poptarts. I have repeatedly asked her to sit down and eat. It is now 11 and both still remain untouched. The big problem here is that we need to leave in 15 minutes to go somewhere. We can’t be late. Since at least 10, I have been pushing the idea of eating her food and getting dressed, while seriously stressing our time issue. 

11:01, she’s eating but she’s not dressed. All the while taking bites slower than a snail and finding the smallest of things to complain about instead of trying to finish up. 

She’s 5. I suppose it’s to be expected and it’s natural but I swear she does this on purpose. Every time I put a time frame on something for her it just seems like she automatically begins to move slower. I get it, she can’t tell time, but when mommy says “we need to get ready to leave the house” I would think that would procure a bit more of reaction than none at all.

She’s spacey and has no idea how to manage time and I have no idea how to make this better. 11:06, still eating, not dressed…. We are so going to be late. 

Drinking (A Musing)

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Drinking is my ultimate downfall. Some days it turns me into someone I’m not. Or at least someone I like to hide. It kills certain demons just long enough for others to emerge. For that alone is a demon in itself. One that gets stronger every time I give in. Every time I stop fighting is another step closer to a final demolition. An internal destruction. A battle that I lost long before it started for my strength diminishes with every taste of temporary bliss. It flees at a moments notice and cowers within the darkest depths of my soul. Strength, which I now know as a permanent weakness, will soon flounder among the ruins of myself that get left behind. The demons will soon feast on remnants to make them all but non existent. That’s what drinking is. It’s a killer and one that most days I still happily allow entrance. For a simple taste of death is all it takes to want it to be a permanent residence.  
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Enmity Amongst Souls – Part I

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(I’ve been keeping this one under wraps for some time because I just haven’t had it in me to finish part II. However, I’m desperate to post something, lol. Hopefully my brain will start working soon. In the meantime, please like my blog and my Facebook page “Here”. Thank you for your support in my writing journey and even through my severe blocks. I hope you enjoy this short about a war on the horizon. Not even fully declared and already there are casualties.)

Enmity Amongst Souls – Part I

“même dans la mort tu es ma vie”

I let a tear slip down my cheek and then I slowly slid my hand over Kerri’s lifeless eyes to close her lids. I could no longer bare to look into her once brilliant blue eyes to only be greeted with emptiness where so much life used to reside. 

I began to cradle her head once more when I started to feel a tug on my upper arm. I tried so hard to avoid it. Whatever was pulling me away, I just couldn’t let it. I couldn’t be taken from Kerri. Not even in death. For even though she lay in my arms, no longer responsive, she was still the life that flowed within my veins.  

“We have to go…” Words were said but they came through more like small whispers upon the wind being carried from miles away. There was a nagging in the back of my mind though that was telling me otherwise. I continuously tried to shut it out but as another tug came upon my arm, it was bolted forward once again.

“We have to go now Grayson. More will be coming.” I shook my head vigorously and yanked my arm back. No. I was not leaving. I would not leave. 

I began to hold Kerri even tighter refusing to let her go. “Dammit Grayson, I’m not going to let you stay here to die. They will come. Let’s go.”

An even more forceful tug came, causing me to drop Kerri’s head from my arms and snap my mind back to a slice of reality. 

Cam wanted me to go. He wanted me to leave the reason for my life behind me. To run from what took that life from me. They would come. I knew they would too but I just couldnt budge. 

“No. I won’t. I can’t leave her.” I frantically gathered up her head once more and laid it upon my lap. 

“I will drag your fucking ass down this alley. Grayson, she’s gone. Okay? I’m so sorry but we can’t just sit here and allow for grieving right now. She did not die so that you can just sit here and weep until they killed you too. Get the hell up and let’s go.”

Tears pooled out of my eyes and trickled down my cheeks landing upon Kerri’s pale, still, face. I stared blankly at the drops knowing full well that my best friend, my partner, was right. She was gone. She sacrificed herself for me and I shouldn’t allow that to go unnoticed. Her life would always reside inside of me so why could I not walk away? 

“I just can’t leave her body Cam. It’s not right.”

“If you don’t, you’ll body will be next to hers. You know she wouldn’t want that. Take my hand. We have to go.” Cam held out one hand to me and put his other to his head, cringing in pain. “I feel them getting close. We are running out of time.”

I glanced back at Kerri and then slowly began to lay her head on the ground as I slipped out from under her. I took Cam’s hand and rose to my feet. “Yeah, okay. You’re right man.” I stifled back the rest of my tears and tried to shift the focus of my mind. 

I knew a war had been brewing between the Sans Couer and the Chasseurs Sans Âmes but I didn’t realize that it had finally hit it’s all time high until today. I knew we weren’t ready to fight the Sans Couer at the level they were exhibiting, so I wasn’t quite sure what we were going to do. The Âmes had a lot to prepare for and without Kerri, our strongest sorcière and love of my life, we were all as good as dead. 

Even beginning to flee now, I had that feeling in my gut that we would all eventually be laying in a pool of our own blood, and on the cold hard ground, by the end of this war. This would eventually be all for naught. 

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The Ticking Clock

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The fact that there wasn’t a single word coming out of my mouth that was penetrating through anyones sad little brains was enough to make my own want to explode. I couldn’t take the blatant disrespect any longer. It felt as if i were in a room full of children, that at this point, I would even consider eradicating.

“Shut the fuck up, all of you!” I don’t know when the last time was that I yelled quite so fiercely but damn did it feel good. 

All of my little peons finally took notice and did as I asked. You would think that in a room full of adults it wouldnt have required such time and demeaner on my part to accomplish that. I swear. Everyone’s just a fucking moron these days. Not even the state police department is exempt from them apparently. 

“I’m too damn old to deal with all of this shit and every single one of you are too old to be acting like shit. There are lives on the line right now so all of you better get your fucking selves together. The only thing that matters are those little girls, leave the rest somewhere else.” I paused to allow my frustrations sink into their heads. They needed to realize that our emotions towards the situation was not going to bring anyone back. In fact, they would do nothing but stifle the investigation. If my men couldn’t put their obvious disgust aside, those girls would never make it home… alive. 

“Are you all done now?” I saw a few heads shake within the crowded room and officers began to calmly sit at the tables. “Good. Now let’s get started going over all of the information we have at hand. We now have a 15 hour window left before our odds detrimentally begin to lower. A few profilers from the FBI have come in to help handle the case.” I waved for their team to emerge to the front of the room as I stepped back to give them space to take control.  

I knew the FBI would step in sooner or later. This had been the fourth known abduction within the last two weeks and it seemed like our abductor’s time frame was getting smaller and smaller for keeping the girls he was taking alive. The first girl was taken on a Wednesday and was found dead on Friday. The next taken Sunday, found Tuesday, and then the other taken on Thursday and found early Saturday morning. This time, 2 girls have went missing, presumably both by our guy, on Sunday night. Our suspect seems to be escalating at a rapid pace and with it being Monday morning already, the entire department fears there isn’t much time left. He seems to be acting within a 48 hour period mostly but something has changed that has caused him to up his game. We cant take anything for granted or waste any time. Our 48 hour ticking clock has just been made a 24 hour one. Two missing girls but half of the time to find them.

~~

We officially had our profile and it seemed liked everyone finally had their heads on straight and were actually ready to do their jobs. I knew this meant a lot to every one of them. Its not easy dealing with murder. Even worse when its multiple murders because we have already previously failed to catch our suspect. We couldnt let this go on any longer. We would find these girls alive and we would take this son of a bitch down. At least thats what I kept telling myself. It was either that, or I would succumb to the fears held deep within my soul. Fears that we would find two more bodies to add to our list. Fears of this sadistic human being, if you could even call him a human, continuing on his rampage. Fear that it would be all of my fault. 

I guess thats what it all came down to after all. It wasn’t just more lives on the line. It was ultimately my job as well. That shouldn’t matter but I would be lying if I said I hadn’t at least thought about it once. Twice even. I guess that kind of makes me a bit of scumbag. I shouldn’t have any alterior motivives regarding this case. It should be about catching a killer and not keeping a job. I mean, it is about that, but man does this shit make me look bad. It’s hard not to let selfish thoughts creep within your mind occasionally. When you’re surrounded by mayhem and death on a daily basis you kind of have to advert your mind to other problems when possible. 

Right now though, it really shouldn’t be possible. I had to get my mind back in the game with everyone else’s until we caught this bastard. 24 hours is a small window and there is no leeway of time to advert my mind now. We had to start looking. Following leads. If we didn’t make progress, those girls would not survive. 

“Captain Schroder, sir. ” detective Ratchet called for my attention, breaking me out of my detrimental thoughts. 

“Detective Ratchet, what is it?”

“We’ve already received feedback on the BOLO placed regarding our profile, sir.” Ratchet paused momentarily and drew in a long breath. Exhaling heavily he continued to speak “We finally have a lead.”

My heart felt like it skipped a beat and I began to hear it thumping from inside of my chest. I couldnt believe it. A lead. Finally. All it took was for the damn FBI to show up and take over. I loved those guys right now but at the end of the day, man I hated those fuckers. All they did was make the local police departments seem inadequate at their jobs. If we had half the money they had access to then we could be just as good. Our resources are limited leaving us crawling for help when crimes can’t be solved. 

I’ll praise them now, for this means hope for those girls, but afterwards they will go back on my least favorite people list. 

“Son of a bitch. Those ass clowns actually accomplished something with that bullshit profiling. Well hallelujah. Let’s get moving then.”

Every spare officer suited up with their bullet proof vests and headed toward the coordinates of the possible location of our suspect. All sirens off, we approached an abandoned old barn 10 miles outside of the abduction sites. The land looked as if it hasn’t been touched in years with the grass growing uncontrollably, masking half of the barn beneath it’s brush. Could this really be it? 

The men and women of the FBI began to file out of their SUVs simultaneously, signaling for the rest of us to follow their lead. We all creeped around the perimeter of the barn and began clearing the area. 

I could hear my heart beating once again and nearly felt it in my throat as I rounded my first corner. Being captain, it’s not often I’m in the field anymore, but this right here, this needed all available badges present. So here I was, and it’s not like I was nervous, or scared of the situation or anything though. I think I was just excited for finally being able to catch this guy but I know I was also terrified of finding the girls, but finding them too late. My mixed emotions were causing my heart to act erratically and at the worse times. 

I shook my head slightly and signaled for the men behind me to continue on as I doubled back towards the entrance of the barn. I watched the FBI agents skulk through the open doors and begin clearing the inside. I followed in behind noticing that It seemed so quiet and untouched within. I was beginning to believe that we had been sent on a wild goose chase. 

Mere seconds after that thought had crossed my mind, I heard yelling, screaming, and then bullets being fired from the loft of the barn. This was it. He was here. 

“The girls aren’t up here!” An agent yelled down. “Search the grounds!”

That was my cue. As I continued to hear bullets being popped off, I began to search below, for anything. I called out to the other officers to search every where they could think of. The girls had to be some where on this property. I only hoped that within the midst of all those bullets flying that they managed to keep that bastard alive. If this search didn’t prove fruitful we would unfortunately need him.  

I scoured every inch inside of that barn but came up empty handed. Not even a trace. How could that be? Silence began to fill the barn and I knew then that the fight was over and that those girls would never be found. 
I walked out towards the vehicles with my head hung low. Even within the 24 hour period, we still lost. The guy was taken down and yet we still lost. I just couldnt wrap my head around it. I didn’t even care about my job at this point like I so selfishly let my mind wander to earlier. I didn’t even want this fucking job any longer. There was no justice here. Even as I watched our suspect’s dead body being carried out of the barn, it still wasn’t finished. Our ticking clock meant nothing this time around and there would be no relief or sastifaction because even in death, he still won.

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I Had a Diary…

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I Had a Diary…

I had a diary once. The only problem was, I never used it. There was no one, or no thing, to contain my thoughts. My fears, my wants, my needs, my hopes, and my dreams, were all sealed within my own soul, my heart, and my head. Eventually, because I could not take advantage of the diary I had in front of me, everything that was kept within began to become too much. The tomb that I had created within myself was actually starting to burst at the seams. A slightest crack in the foundation that I had manifested had begun to creep into further areas and rupture the membrane that supported the tombs structure. Slowly, and then all at once, every thing that was once kept inside was now in the open. It was now sitting in front of the world for them to see and begin to critically judge. The reasons for my actions and for who i was had finally come to light but yet no one could see past the initial fabricated facade. The damage had been done and I was only left with a single decision. Did I allow everything to remain sprawled out before me or did I pick up the pieces and cram them back into a half ass fixed tomb that was bound to break again some day?

I had a diary once. It was neglected and left with empty pages. It begged to be filled and I ignored it. I ignored the outlet that was bestowed before me; because of that I have broken the only part that used to be whole within. To allow the contents to remain in front of me, my hope is to finally compile them within the given pages. To put them forth where they may be seen, instead of stored in the darkness. I reached for my saving grace to no longer find it there. My broken tomb has broken my outlet and thrown my chances away. My negligence has cost me all of the options I once had. Broken inside and alone on the out.

I had a diary once. Now its nowhere to be found.

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A Burning Revenge (Part II)

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Part II is finally here! Brick has come to terms with the previous tragic events that stole his life and now his mind is set on figuring out the final form of his revenge. What will be next for Brick and how will he decide to make his enemies pay?
-Part II-

-1 week later-

Sitting upon the balcony of his hotel room, Brick was finishing his coffee and spacing out into the burning flame of a candle that was sitting on the table beside of him. Plans of revenge for Genie’s death, repeatedly bounced throughout his mind. He began to plan a number of different scenarios of which he could choose from when the time arose; which would be soon. Under normal circumstances Brick would have had an arsenal at his disposal if he had ever needed it, but now, he was on his own no matter what. Luckily, he had enough rage inside of him to push him through anything that arose. He would succeed on his own. 

Brick already knew his target, which is what led him to his current whereabouts in South America. It was obvious once he put the pieces together. He didn’t deal with many people who were capable of getting their hands on the type of explosives it took to demolish his house, and life. Brick knew how easy it was for Escobar to procure the means to accomplish the task he had, which was his own form of revenge.

Juan Escobar was a self proclaimed drug lord living in the shadows of the Norte del Valle Cartel after all of the original members dissipated. He was also the alleged son of Wilber Varela, a leader of said cartel, whom Brick was sent to dispose of many years back. Without a doubt, Brick knew that Juan, or men of which he employed, were behind his tragedy. Juan wanted revenge and had apparently been lying years in the wait for it. The only thing Brick didn’t understand is how Juan came about the knowledge that he was the one who had pulled the trigger. Varela was a sanctioned “mark” through the CIA and Brick was very good at his job, therefore, there really could only be one explanation. It wasn’t like the CIA would just allow information like that to slip out into the open; so not only did Brick have to worry about Juan and his self proclaimed Colombian drug lord title, he had to worry about the people he worked for. People that were close to him. There was an obvious leak within the CIA which meant it was best for Brick to finish this job as quickly as possible. 

A knock at the door stole Brick away from his detrimental thoughts and caused him to sigh in annoyance. He definitely wasn’t expecting anyone, to the world, Brick Regarde was supposed to be a pile of ash and Jose Santiago was the gentlemen residing in this hotel room. So who in the hell is Mr. Santiago receiving a visit from? Brick crept towards the door and grabbed his PT-1911 off of the table as he walked by. He took the safety off and cocked the hammer back as a precaution as he leaned in to listen through the door. Another knock came, followed by a voice.

“¿Hola? Servicio de habitaciones!”

Brick sighed in relief but was still hesitant to open the door. Too many years of training had taught him better than that. Without knowing for sure rather or not this was truly room service, he had to do something.

“No gracias. Por favor, vuelva más tarde.” A quick reassurance that room service was not needed should be enough for them to walk away. If they remained, well, there would be more trouble then he was hoping for.

Seconds later footsteps could be heard walking away back down the hall. Room service after all he thought; he lowered his gun and began to tuck it into he back of his pants as he started to walk away. Just as a sigh of relief had managed to escape his lips, something had crashed out on the balcony where Brick was once sitting. Quickly looking in that direction, and reaching for his gun once more, Brick was ready for whatever had just arrived.

Brick was ready but he wasn’t expecting what he saw. The table that was sitting on the balcony was now knocked over and the candle that had once been upon it, had fallen off. There was a fire now beginning to burn before his eyes as the candle’s flame caught the bottom of the cotton curtains that hung upon the patio doors. He chalked it up to a gust of wind but he felt in his gut that something was wrong.

Running to find something to snuff the fire out, Brick caught a glare out of the corner of his eye and followed his gut instinct to duck and roll behind the nearest piece of furniture. Within seconds of moving out of the way, a gunshot rang throughout the room and sliced through the air of where he was once standing. Someone knew that Brick was alive and had come to make sure the previous botched job was taken care of. 

With his PT-1911 still in hand, he peered around the couch he was behind and let a shot loose towards the man that was hiding on the balcony. Brick could see his arm peeking out from behind the building flames of the curtains and continued to aim for whatever he could hit. The assailant moved back and then quickly reappeared to fire back causing Brick to veer back into hiding. They continued to fire upon each other until Brick heard a grunt of pain and a clattering on the ground. 

Cautiously coming out from his shielding, Brick could see a bodily mass laying in the patio door way. At least six foot seven inches, three hundred pounds and a body covered in tattoos, he could tell this was definitely one of Juan’s hit-men. He walked closer, gun still aimed toward the body, in attempts to see if he were still breathing. He was. Brick rolled the body over to see his face and was greeted with wide eyes. Immediately Brick stood up, put his foot to his throat and aimed his gun towards his face.

“Did Juan send you?” Brick needed some official answers and this may have been his only chance to get them.

The hit-man just quirked his mouth to the side and smiled allowing blood to drip out upon his face. Brick forcefully shoved his boot harder on his throat causing him to gurgle and choke on his own blood. “Quiero respuestas. ¿Quién te envió, y que es su informante?” 

Silence fell upon the room as Brick’s questions were still going unanswered. “Ahora!” He yelled, desperately seeking his answers.

Another smile gleamed across the bloody mess that was laying before him, but this time, words followed as well. “Juan will watch you burn. Rialdo will see to that. He..” A cough escaped his mouth followed by another gurgle of blood “He will have revenge. We… never stop. Morirás.”

His eyes fluttered shut, his head fell to the side, and blood pooled from his mouth. He was gone. His last words would not go unnoticed but to Brick, he knew them to be lies. As he shoved the bodily mass a few inches over into the still burning flames on the curtains, he knew who would really be the ones to burn. 

Brick grabbed his things and made his way to the door. He leaned up against the entryway and stared back among the flames. He watched as the body ignited in a blaze of light and the smoke began to carry the stench of burnt flesh. He sighed in relief at the slight feeling of accomplishing part of his task for revenge. A fallen enemy lay before him burning in the same kind of flames that had stolen Genie. Some how, that made everything better. He now knew exactly how Juan would pay with his life and it made him actually smile. He also knew he would even extend that courtesy to Rialdo. That backstabbing bastard would pay with the rest. It wasn’t Brick that was going to burn. It wasn’t him that was going to die. It was him though, that would relinquish that unto all of those who had a hand in destroying his life. It was him alone that would watch them all burn.

 

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Independent Benevolence

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“Get up! Get up! Get up!”

It felt like a high magnitude earthquake was occurring just from beneath my bed. Shake after shake, bounce after bounce; the extra pillows that were laying upon my bed were being tossed to the floor; I was lucky enough to not have fallen right behind them. I groaned, rolled over, and glanced at the clock. Barely even 8 o’clock in the morning and I had just fallen asleep around 5. I wanted to bury my head into a dark hole and sleep in pure silence for another few hours or so. The shaking paused for a moment and I thought that maybe I would have my chance to do just that. That is, until I heard a high pitched squeal coming from right above my head. A shrill, evil battle cry, was coming forth from this demon spawn’s lips and piercing my ears with sheer determination behind it. Before I could even react, at least 60 lbs of mass crashed down on top of my sprawled out body.

“Ugh! Damn it Cally! 

“I’m going to tell mom on you. That’s a bad word and you know mom hates it when you use bad words.”

I tried to squeeze out from underneath my sister, slowly, without throwing her to the floor in the process (Though I would have much preferred to just throw her on the floor). It didn’t work. She felt like dead weight laying upon my back and there was no escaping.

“I don’t care Cally, just get off of me. Its too early for this. I’m tired.”

“Maybe if you would go to bed at a decent time, you wouldn’t have to sleep till noon everyday.” Cally started bouncing on my back, making my bed, and us, move along with it. 

“Cal-ly!!! Sto-p it!” The pressure of her body on my back combined with the bouncing, was making it hard to speak properly, or even breath for that matter. 

The bouncing stopped but the giggling had begun. What in the world did this 8 yr old have for breakfast? An energy drink? I haven’t seen her behave in this manner since she was a preschooler. It was nerve-wracking. I thought these days were long gone.

“Seriously kid, why don’t you get off my back and explain why you are in here to begin with. I promise to get up if you get up.”

“You promise Lilly?” She leaned down so that I could see her pouting lips and puppy dog eyes staring right at me. I mean really? Who could turn that face down? 

“I pinkie promise Cal, just please. I cant breathe.”

“Yay!” Cally rolled off of my back and scampered across my room and sat into my desk chair. She began rolling it across the floor without a care in the world. I just shook my head slightly and sat up in bed. I quietly watched Cally as she continued to enjoy the most simplistic of activities. To see her smile grow that big, over something that small, brought my own smile upon face. I didn’t even care about the mere 3 hours sleep I had gotten any longer.

“Alright. I’m up and I ‘m listening. What’s with the fireworks this morning?”

Cally abruptly stopped rolling and began to stare at me with her mouth agape. “That’s just it Lil. Fireworks.”

“Yes, fireworks. Which is what I am calling your crazy entrance this morning. A wild array of fireworks.”

“No Lilly. Real fireworks. It happens tonight. Moms taking me to see them after the cookout tonight. I have never been so excited.”

I stared at her for a moment not really understanding why that made her so happy. Happier than I have probably ever seen her. Its not like its the first time she would be able to see fireworks. Just last year mom took us to the harbor to watch them over the water. “I’m sorry, but I don’t know why you are so excited though. You’ve seen fireworks before.”

“But now, I know what they mean. Just yesterday, Mrs. Sands taught us all about the 4th of July. None of my other teachers had bothered to tell us what all of the parties and fireworks meant. They always just said to enjoy our break. Maybe they thought we were still too young to understand. Either way, I know now Lil and I cant wait to see them with that meaning in mind.” Another smile sprawled across her face and she began to bounce in the chair, continuously showing her excitement. 

I couldn’t believe that this was my little sister, who only minutes ago was re-enacting pro wrestling moves, telling me she wanted to experience Independence Day for the meaning in which it conveys. There are grown adults who don’t even give a damn about that. I was flabbergasted. 

“Wow, I’m impressed. Its nice to see you so excited over this.” 

“Its super exciting Lil.” She hopped up out of my chair and began skipping her way out of my room. Time for a little more shut eye I thought, as I began to lay back down. 

“Oh!” Cally paused in my doorway and swung back around to face me. “I almost forgot to tell you… Mom said she wants you to be up and dressed by 9. She wants help getting things ready for the cookout.” She flashed a smile and continued her trek out of my room. So much for sleep. I guess I needed to get a shower instead.

______

It was going on 2 pm and the house and backyard were beginning to fill up with our family and friends. We’ve been running around all morning cleaning and cooking for this gathering and the last thing I wanted to do now was to actually “gather”. My late night, accompanied by my early morning wake up call, was beginning to take a serious toll on my body and current mental state. A few hours of mingling left to go before I could hit my bed once more, I had to push through.

I plopped down on the bench swing and gazed at everyone around. It was always a nice sight to see everyone come together and enjoy themselves. Well, almost everyone. Dad was still barricading himself in his office because of a huge case he had coming up in a couple of days, but really, there was nothing new about that. It’ll be days before I see him again. 

I caught a glimpse of Cally on the play set with a few of her friends from school and some of our little cousins. She was smiling, and laughing, and I could hear her telling everyone about the fireworks she would see tonight. It was a shame that Dad wouldn’t be going with them later but I knew that her and Mom would have a great time. I didn’t even want to think about fireworks though. If I couldn’t see them from my bed, I didn’t want to see them at all. 

I scanned the yard once more over and found mom conversing with Aunt Lisa. I must have stared too long apparently though because the next thing I knew, mom was waving me over. It was time to mingle I suppose. 

______

The evening began to roll in with the clock reading almost 7. The house was almost fully clear with everyone going to their respective places to watch fireworks. I couldn’t have been happier. All day I was bombarded with questions of what college I had chosen to attend come fall. Which of course that question led into full fledged conversations about college life in general. The day could not have ended soon enough.

As the last guest exited the house, I went up to my room and plopped on the bed. I was finally ready to doze off when I heard Cally yelling, crying, and then running into her bedroom, slamming the door behind her. 

“Lilly?” My mom peaked her head around the corner of my doorway.

“Yeah?” I looked up from my pillow and could tell that my mom was slightly flustered.

“I have to go into work. I have a patient in labor and I need to be there. Your sister is very upset with me. Maybe you could take some time and try to calm her? Your dad is still in his office if you need anything.” and then she was gone. 

So that’s what all of that noise was for. Mom had to go to work which meant that Cally couldn’t go see the fireworks. As excited as she was today, she was probably devastated now. I dragged myself out of bed and made my way down the hall to my sisters bedroom. I pushed her door open and found her with her face buried into her pillow, curled up on her bed, sobbing. I couldn’t help but feel a tinge of pain reverberate within my chest. I found myself sitting next to her, rubbing her back calmly as I used to when she couldn’t sleep at night. 

“Cally… I’m sorry mom had to leave.” I continued to rub her hoping that it would eventually coax her to sit up. It seemed to calm her slightly but it took longer than I would have thought to help the crying stop. A couple of minutes had passed before she finally decided to raise her head. I caught a glimpse of the final tears that she had let fall, roll down her cheeks. “Its alright Cal.”

“Its not alright.” She started to sob again lightly but caught herself before the tears pooled once more. “I really wanted this Lilly. I told all of my friends… I was looking forward to this… I…” She broke off with the tears starting to stream once more. I grabbed a tissue from her bedside table and lightly wiped them away from her face. She sniffled and then looked up into my eyes. “Can you take me Lilly?”

My heart broke a little then. I wanted to be there for her so badly. “Cally, its like 5 miles to the site and you know I don’t have a license yet. I’m still taking classes. We would never make it there in time if we walked either.” She threw her face back into the pillow and abruptly started wailing. I had to do something. I stared at the wall for a moment bouncing ideas through my head. I knew bothering dad was out of the question. Even though mom said if I needed anything he was there, I knew he would never open his office door. Everyone else I knew was already attending their nights festivities, leaving me with only one possible option. “Ill be right back Cal.”

A few minutes later and I was ready to cheer up my little sister, I hoped. “Alright, dry your tears and come on. We have some fireworks to go see.”

The sad face that I had seen moments before quickly changed from despair to jubilation. “Really?!”

I chuckled, “Yes really, come on girl.” She ran towards me and embraced me in the tightest hug I had probably ever received. “Thank you.” She mumbled into my stomach. 

“You’re welcome” I grabbed her hand and led her out front as we waited.

“Why are we just standing here Lil?” She looked up at me bewildered.

“You’ll see.” A minute later a yellow taxi appeared in front of our house.

“A Taxi!” Cally squealed in amusement. “I’ve never been in a taxi before. This is awesome.”

Another smile became plastered on my face. To see just how excited the little things made her could make anyone’s day brighter.

_____

We pulled up to the elementary school, where they were setting off the fireworks this year, with time left to find a seat upon the hill. I gave the driver the only twenty I had and then we began our little hike. Exhaustion nearly took over as I reached the top but I held it together as I helped Cally up the last few steps. We settled ourselves on the grassy knoll and looked upon the sky for the show to begin. My little sister barely spoke two words while we waited for things to begin. She just gazed upward with a beautiful gleam of excitement in her eyes. I could barely keep mine open and I bet she never even dared to blink. 

The noises came unexpectedly and made us both jump in fright. Once the sky began to light up in beautiful colors though, our bodies began to relax and our eyes became fixated. Cally’s eyes never strayed and her mouth never closed. She started pointing up at the sky and yelling out her favorites as it was clear that her emotions were becoming uncontrollable. I never strayed my eyes either. They were locked on to Cally’s love and excitement. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. 

The show ended and there was happiness all around. Exhaustion as well. We began to walk home since that was our only option. I used the only cash that I had to get us here knowing this would end up being the outcome. I could see Cally begin to drag her feet a bit and start to fall behind. She was sated with happiness. “Come here Cal, I’ll carry you.” 

Miles walked, with frequent sitting breaks in between, and we were finally back to our front door. Mom still wasn’t back home yet and I’m sure dad had never even left the office. I sat Cally down, practically asleep on her feet, so that I could open up the door. I promptly picked her back up and carried her to her room. After tucking her in bed, and was ready to go pass out in my own, I took a minute to watch over my little sister as she snuggled beneath her blankets. 

“Lil?” A barely audible whisper escaped my sleepy sisters mouth.

“Yes Cal, I’m still here.”

“Do you think the British Empire missed having the Colonies a part of them?”

“That has got to be the weirdest thing I have ever heard.”

“I know. I was just thinking about how the colonies declared their independence, the reason for today’s celebration. It just made me wonder about people wanting independence in general. I think I am going to really miss you.”

My heart thumped in my chest and then melted within a matter of seconds. “You’re worried about me leaving for school?”

Cally sat up in bed and stared at me through the darkness. “I am. Its you’re own form of independence, right? You’re leaving us. Making your own separate life.”

I shook my head and walked over to the edge of this amazing little girl’s bed. I bent down and looked into her eyes. “You heard the conversations earlier with everyone at the cookout today, didn’t you?”

She bowed her head slightly. “I did.”

“I will be leaving Cal. Not forever though. Its a different kind of Independence. I may not always be physically around but I will always be here to talk to you when you need it. I will also be home for breaks and holidays, even the whole summer. I will only be a few hours away. I’m not declaring a separate life. That would never happen. I will be independent in a way but my heart will always be yours.” I brushed her hair out of her eyes and kissed her on her forehead as I stood back up. “Lay back down and get some sleep Cally.”

She slowly slid down in her bed and began to flutter her eyes shut. “Thank you for the fireworks Lilly. It was the best night ever.”

“You’re welcome.” I lightly closed her door behind me and made my way to my own bed. This was probably the longest day I have ever had to partake in. I wouldn’t change it for anything though. As I finally allowed my body to succumbed to the exhaustion it had been fighting all day, I replayed everything through my mind once more. I knew that I would never forget just exactly how my sister was today. I would remember her smiles, her laughs, her tears, and her sorrows; it will pull me through each and every day of my life. Independence Day has a new meaning for me now and all it took was my little sister’s love to make that happen.

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A Burning Revenge

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When Brick returns home from his latest trip away, he is greeted with far more than he bargained for. Instead of happiness to be back home, he is left with a deep seeded need for revenge…

-Part I-

Driving home from his most recent assignment, all Brick could think about was seeing his girlfriend’s face. They had been apart longer than he would have liked this time, and then on top of his extended traveling time, his flight home had been delayed. He had been hoping to originally catch Genie before she had left for her shift at the hospital, but he knew, after calling her from the airport, that she was already on her way out. Instead, Brick was hoping to at least have something special waiting for her when she returned.  
As Brick turned on to the long driveway towards his home, he felt a rumbling beneath his car. His Audi began to vibrate and he could feel trembling through the steering wheel and into his palms. He would have chalked it up to a minor earthquake if he hadn’t also heard an explosion and began to see flames spring before his eyes. He realized then, that his house would be no longer. 

Brick drove down the drive as far as he could and then proceeded to climb out of his car to watch the remains of his house crumble. He silently began to thank his lucky stars that Genie was already at work. At least knowing that, he could breathe calmly. 

And then he heard it…

A scream. 

At first it was faint and he figured it to be nothing. Then he saw it. A shadow within the bedroom window. Then a body slamming into the glass. Pounding to break free and screaming through the smoke induced coughs, Genie was starting to succumb to the disaster she had been caught in. The house was toppling down around her and the flames were breaching the barrier she attempted to create inside her room. Genie knew it was over and calmly stopped fighting. She glanced out the window and banged on it one last time, while cursing it for always being broke. She saw Brick outside of the window and gave the smallest of smiles, and then while staring at his face, She embraced herself as the flames came closer and her screams filled the air once more. 

Brick watched her burn in that fire. He stood there, his mouth agape with her screams flowing through his ears and piercing his heart. There wasn’t anything left that he could do. Even if there was, his body was too much in shock to even move a muscle. His eyes couldn’t even be averted from her flame covered body as skin began to melt from her bones. He was scarred, every part of him. He knew he should have been the one in that fire and even though he wasn’t, It was almost as if he was; for most of his soul had just evaporated with hers, as her body turned to dust. 

Falling to the ground upon his knees, Brick just stared upon the flames whilst the smoke began to limit his breathing and ability to see. He barely even noticed the sudden restrictions until sirens began to fill the void of silence in-between the crackling noises of the fire. With both Genie and his house gone, there was only one option left for Brick. He had to flee. The sirens were getting closer and he couldn’t afford to be found alive. Someone had wanted Brick dead and he was going to give them that. At least the illusion. 

Once his enemies had fallen for that illusion, he had every intention on shattering it. By any means necessary, Brick would have revenge. He had a burning heat building within him now; one he cared not to control. That heat inside had taken his soul and he vowed to have that heat take theirs.

 

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A Mother’s Pain

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Her eyes were usually a smokey bluish gray but now with tears forming I could see them change to a glassy ice blue in an unusual way.

They gleamed in the light and shined with pain and as they stared at mine I could see through them into her eternal thundering rain.

Her moans were getting louder and my ears were catching it all; every single sound pierced my heart like an urgent siren’s call.

I wanted to help her but I had done all I knew that I could, if only that small bit of sentiment was enough to comfort her as I wish that it would.

So I lay her head on my chest and held her body tight, knowing the only thing I could do was to stay with her through her fight.

Hopefully my presence alone would be enough to dry her tears, so those icy blue eyes could turn back to their normally colored, grayish spheres.

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Wishing Upon a Star

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After Mikey overhears his buddy, Brett, reciting nursery rhymes he antagonizes him for being the softest All Star Quarterback ever. Little did he know, Brett had a secret, and was simply trying to keep a promise which lead to questions only the universe knew the answer to. 

——–

“Starlight, star bright, first star I see tonight”

Was that Brett that I heard reciting nursery rhymes? It couldn’t be. I must be hearing things. I finished my trek down to the basement with my six pack in hand. Maybe I already had a few too many because now, at the bottom of the stairs, I swear I could still hear Brett.I

“I wish I may, I wish I might…”

Oh, it definitely was, and I just couldn’t help myself. “Get some ass, by the end of the night” I shouted in the midst of my laughter as I made my way to Brett who was staring out of the sliding glass door.

Brett turned and glared at me. Apparently that was not how the rhyme went.

“Way to be mature, asshole.”

“Really Brett? You’re the one singing to stars. Where is the maturity there?” I pulled out a beer and handed it off before I plopped myself on the couch in front of the TV. 

“You’re always so quick to judge Mikey. Its your ultimate flaw man.”

“Aww, did I hurt your feelings? Now you have to start talking about my flaws to make yourself feel better? Dude, you’re a 22 year old, all star quarterback, who is currently being looked at for the upcoming draft.”

“So? Was there a point in that last statement?”

“The point is, you shouldn’t be singing to the fucking stars at night man.”

“Mikey, I swear, you are so damn single minded. Do you even care as to maybe WHY I was doing that.” Brett huffed and slumped onto the couch at the opposite end.

I shrugged “Because deep down your rapport for childish things turns you on? Or maybe you’re just secretly gay?”  

“Because even if I were gay, that would provoke me to sing to stars? You’re full of shit Mike. How about my rapport towards my little sister?”

Brett raised an eyebrow in my direction and then turned to focus on the game. I really felt like I screwed the pooch on this one. I screw up often but it just felt different this time. I felt an ache in my chest and a severe case of guilt began to settle on my conscience. “I didn’t know you had a sister.”

He glanced back at me swiftly but I could still tell I had upset him. His eyes were bloodshot and glassy with droplets forming in the corners. “I don’t… Not anymore.”

Now I really felt like a piece of shit. I shook my head and almost teared up myself. “I’m really sorry… I…”

Brett reached out and gave me a playful punch in the arm. “Its alright. You didn’t know. I shouldn’t have been so defensive.”

We both turned our attention to the game and it became eerily quiet for the next 10 minutes until i heard Brett release a saddened sigh. “It was during the summer before I left for college when it happened.”

I could tell this was going to be the story of his sister. He didn’t have to tell me, especially after how I had acted, but I appreciated the sentiment. I could also tell this was going to need another beer. I pulled two out, handed one to Brett, and encouraged him to continue.

He nodded his head solemnly and started once again. “My sister, Tracey, had just turned 6 a month prior to finding out she had leukemia. It was extremely hard for the family to handle. The only one to stay strong was Tracey herself. It was amazing on how much life was still generating throughout her body. Nothing could ever break her spirit. Some days we even forgot she was sick. What I loved most about her though was the extreme amount of thoughtfulness that she continuously displayed for the world.”

Brett stopped for a moment, wiped his stray tears away and then took a swig of beer before finding his footing in his story. 

“For a 6 year old, I always thought that was something special. My sister loved wishing on the stars but Instead of wishing for toys for herself, she always wished for others. Most times, instead of toys, she would wish for others to just be warm and happy.”

“That is something pretty special, man. ” I tried to hide my own tears that began to form but at this point it probably didn’t matter. My heart was already being lifted higher than it had ever been. 

“What’s even more special is that when she became sick, that never changed.”

Brett took another drink and tried to force a smile through his saddened composure. This story was taking a toll on us both. 

“When she was finally made to stay in the hospital for her last days, she still insisted on taking time for the stars. Even when she became too weak to go to them herself, She insisted I carry her and lay her upon the window. Every night I did, and every night, she never spoke once of herself. Never once did she wish she was better or that she could live longer. She wished for the world’s happiness, her family’s happiness, all before she ever uttered words about herself.”

How a little kid could possess such a strong aversion to self preservation is beyond my understanding. How any person could never stop, just once, to think of themselves is unbelievable. 

“We knew when her last night had come. We could all tell how quickly she had deteriorated and there was nothing left to be done. Barely breathing and barely holding her eyes open, she asked me once again to take her to the window.”

Brett’s words were becoming shaky and hard to understand through the tears but I just leaned forward and listened harder. 

“After she made her wishes for the night, she looked at me with tears in her eyes and said ‘Who will wish for them when I’m gone Brett? Who will make sure everyone is okay?’. I couldn’t hide the shock that sprung across my face after she spoke those words. Her last moments and that’s what she chooses to say? I never loved that girl as much as I did in that moment. I would never want to let that little girl down, so I told her I would. I promised her I would continue to make her wishes whenever I saw the stars. The same exact way she did.”

With that, my asshole status just went through the roof. I was such a prick before, I couldn’t even stand it. I stared at Brett and then just watched him crumble. I couldn’t help but scoot closer and offer any support that I could. The second I was closer he latched on to my arm and cried on my shoulder. 

“I’ll never understand why Mikey. Why that little girl, so young, was taken from this world. This world is slowly dying without people that hold the kind of compassion that she did and yet… she’s gone. The world decided to expel one of the rarest and truest souls that ever existed. No matter how much time passes, I will never get over it.”

I continued to offer my support and allowed Brett to cry as much as he needed. I patted his back and tried to keep my own tears at bay. 

“I don’t understand either. It’s not fair at all. Even more so that it was your sister. I’m so sorry man.”

We both sat there and pondered life’s shitty decisions until we kind of went back into the rhythm of the game on TV. 
It was best that way. Fading out a conversation that intense and full of emotion was not an easy feat. I’m not even sure that conversation will ever fade out inside of my head though. 

When it came down to it, I really couldn’t understand it. It was an enigma that apparently only the universe was meant to know. It better had a damn good reason too. No one, especially someone that precious, deserves to be snuffed out before their lives had even began. She could have changed the world. 

I know she changed mine

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I’m a Shadow

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It feels like months and yet it’s only been a week. I haven’t felt like writing a single thing nor have I even felt like messing with any social networking on behalf of my writing either. Does my lack of motivation make me any less of an author? Does it show signs that maybe a writers life is not one that’s meant for me? Am I meant to be doing something else just because I’m not chomping at the bit with every spare moment I have to scribe words into existence?

I don’t know the true answer to those questions but the answers that I feel within me say yes to all of them. I feel as if I am a mere shadow in the writing world when all else is corporeal. I’m no one and nothing in the scheme of things because I can’t produce what I feel is being looked for. When every day turns to night it yells to me even more. It makes me realize where I don’t belong because I’m constantly fading away. It seems so simple…

When a shadow is in the darkness it becomes non existent while all else shall remain.

I’m a shadow.

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Onyx Heart

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A heart as dark as onyx was thought to be abandoned to the pits of hell and lost forever. There were rumors however, that it could be found. Even if it were though, it would be so undesirable that it could never be repaired. It would never again pump the flowing red blood that it was made for. It would never pulsate within ones chest. It was blackened for eternity and it would never feel again. It was a rumor started of uncertainty. A myth to scare those from the chances of darkening their hearts to each other. The fear of never again to be allowed to feel had made them distant from one another instead of the closeness that they had once desired. No one dared to cross another in hopes to keep their hearts pure. Those who thought they were pure though would never understand that the purest of hearts were the ones that had once been a victim of the darkness. No one knew that the onyx hearts could be saved for the myth spoke their truth. A blackened heart turned pure red once again though, was the sign of purity. It was the real sign of hope and love. Coming back from the pits of hell took strength and courage. It took the love that they all sought. Instead of ever knowing this, the majority remained aloof in their world of distance. Instead of risking the dark to have happiness and love, they lived in the shadows of uncertainty and mediocrity. There were very few that risked for love and only they had discovered the truth in living. 

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Where Were You…

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Where were you when my tears were falling and my heart was breaking. 
Where were you when everything within me could only feel aching. 
Where were you as I thought your name within my head. 
Where were you as I lay alone within my bed. 
Where were you when the times really mattered. 
Where were you when everything was shattered. 
Where were you when I inhaled my last breathe of air. 
Where were you, that’s right, you’re never there.

 

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Broken Back

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That was the straw that broke the back
My back to be exact. 
For the hundredth time, at least it seemed, I let forth my worries, my loves, and my dreams. 
You, my knight in shining armour, laughed and ripped them at the seams. 
Now a paraplegic with emotions of the heart, and the pain of being immobilized that has torn the rest of me apart. 
I’ve been put on bed rest for an undisclosed amount of time, the back you’ve finally broken now no longer feels like mine. 
My knight, my love, the one I called my own, the pain you’ve caused is searing and has left us now with moans. 
My moans, my pain, my back that is broke all because of the one straw you continued to envoke. 

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Lies

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He continued to speak but all I heard were gasps of air. 
His words were no longer audible for I knew he didn’t really care. 
His lies were strong and easy to believe
But it was I who would be the one to decieve
He thought I was fooled, a helpless dumb chick
Through it all though, I knew every little trick
It is what it is though and I just let it all go by
I wanted you to know though, that I do see through his lies. 

No Words

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I wish I had something to say. I hate having days to where I have nothing. No story, no poetry. No words. For in my world, no words mean no feelings. No feelings mean no life. No life means… Well, I think you know what that means. It’s always a sad day when the words fail to come together to create. For it’s not just a sad day, it’s an empty day. Which in my book, isn’t really much of a day at all.

Life

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Everyday is different and yet it’s exactly the same. New challenges arise but it’s still the same old game…

You Were…

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You were the light in my darkness that helped me find my way. You were my beacon of love that I followed everyday. You were the glimmer of hope within my despair. You were the stitch in my wounds so they’d no longer tear. The strength to my weakness and the beat of my heart. My muse and my passion that inspired my art. 

You were my everything. You were my soul. So without you now, two is the toll. Death is imenent when the light has been snuffed out. Leaving the darkness to fester and mingle about. 

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Broken

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‘He was right. I was broken. There was no denying that fact any longer. I couldn’t even hide it if I tried. The only problem was… I wasn’t just broken any longer. I was shattered.

There wasn’t a glue in the world that would be strong enough to keep the pieces bound together. And even if there was, pieces were already missing. ‘

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A Breaking Mind

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My mind slowly breaks as the noise within becomes louder. The walls become weaker as they are penetrated from the inside out. An explosion is expected momentarily from the pressure building up. Louder and louder and then a small faint cracking sound finds it way through. Slowly the loudness seeps out around me becoming an echo in the wind. A continuous stream of echoes make their way forth as the once small crack becomes a huge hole and the noise that was once apart of my mind is now apart of the world.

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Falling Tears

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I would love nothing more than to be able to say that the tears that stained my shirt were justified, but they weren’t. Not even close. There was no fathomable reason for a single drop to be shed. And yet they just kept falling. The sadness I felt had no roots to even plant and yet some how it still managed to flourish. It overtook my ability to resonate with any current situation and instead found the power to drown me in its growing and disturbed beauty. One tear created a million and though there was no initial cause, in the end there will be a reason for all that had fallen. In the end, everything will be clear once again.

Pride vs My World

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I had to swallow my pride to speak the truth. There was only one revelation and it would be the end of my self preservation. Realization that i alone would never be enough to make my world remain afloat as it sat in the depths of the darkest pits in the furthest galaxy. I needed your strength to become the gravity that keeps me grounded. I needed your smile to become the brightest stars on my darkest nights. Your arms to provide warmth when my seasons need a change. Your tears of joy and sadness to become my rain when my own is merely not enough to sustain life. I even need your anger, pain, and determination to feul the storms that my world so desperately needs to continue its natural cycle. Recognition that my world is nothing without you is the only way I could survive. Your love alone is what Is needed to keep revolving and pride is just a minor causality compared to the lose there would be otherwise.

Writing…

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“There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.”

By far one of my more favorable quotes that once came from Hemingway’s brilliant mind. It’s a daunting truth really. Writing is simple. It’s pure passion. It comes from within. What makes that a hard pill to swallow is when people shy away from what you write. When they think your blood staind on the paper isn’t enough. When, to them, there is too much blood to see a message, not enough blood to seep through or just having a non compatable type. To bleed with no acknowladgement is how a writer dies. Once it flows there is no stopping and soon there will be nothing left but a hollow shell unless there is someone willing to donate their own blood to the cause. I believe that most writers are victims in need of transfusions. Passion for passion. Those who crave to read and those who bleed to write. One does not simply exist without the other which in turn makes writing far more than nothing. It makes it challenging and frightening. It seems like no work at all to slice a vein and let it bleed, and in reality, it’s not, but when no one knows how to make it stop, or give you more… Death will be emanant. Writing is tretourous and it’s a hard thing to handle.

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Hope

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There is no love in my heart. It’s as cold as ice and as hard as stone. There is no light left upon my soul. It is as dark as the night and as empty as the shell of the body that surrounds it. There is no life but a memorial. A spec of rememberance that still hides itself within. A shriveled piece of hope that refuses to be snuffed out by the icy darkness. It holds vigil daily and never gives up. It clings viciously to the outskirts of the horrid internal black hole. A lone memorial, fighting. So even though there would seem to be nothing, there is still everything. 

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Reality

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Reality strikes at the most wretched times. In the midst of a wonderful dream  that you’d like to last a thousand lifetimes. It’s a crime. It’s unfair. Reality however appears every fucking where. The bitch uncaring that you’re unaware or rather it causes despair, it’s there. Looking you in the eye and daring you to cry, but why? Because that’s all there is, is to face reality and die. Not living a lie..
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A Writers Dreams

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A writer and his dreams are nothing to take lightly

Whatever is sought shall become a reality
If not his own, than yours, or someone else’s
His visions defy any and all irrationality
Dreams turn into passion and passion to words
Wiith sheer heart the words become an emotion
Through the eyes of the reader something sparks inside
Anything from pure hatred to adorned devotion
Every mind sees a different story
Even as the writers words remain the same
The words will speak to those who listen
Their own beauty and vision to be exclaimed
All stemmed from one single mind
A multitude of visions and dreams
Words that speak numerous meanings
With the reader responsible for its seams
magical world

Finally

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It no longer mattered. There was no one there waiting for her to feel better. They had all left when she needed them most. She was too much for anyone to handle and now she could no longer even handle herself. It was only a matter of time before it had come to that really. It had already been some time since the tears were able to be contained within her body, for her soul had managed to form a hole that could not be patched. The inevitability of this situation was beyond predictable from the beginning. Now a reality, at least she could say that something finally went according to plan. Now the pain was finally snuffed out.

 

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Alcoholic Confessions

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The whiskey felt as if it were seeping through my body and into my bloodstream. I may as well have hooked up an IV straight into my veins as strong as i was receiving the liquid. My head was quickly becoming incapacitated and i loved every single bit of it. My thoughts were no longer even my own and that aspect alone had me giddy with the notions of outlandish possibilities. My thoughts, They belonged to Mr. Jack. He controlled what started to spew from my mind and the words that were sprouting forth from my fingers. For I knew that once i woke in the morning i wouldn’t remember any of it. All i would have was my written work to remind me of what kind of drunken human being i was. Hopefully an amusing one because god knows i need to have some sort of talent. If it isn’t depth than i surely choose laughter as a second. Which was good since laughter was the only audible sound to be expelled from my numbed lips. The world in itself had just seemed to be filled with hilarity and absolute obnoxious, yet realistic, properties. Nothing would bring me down from my short lived internal high. If it tried, I wouldn’t let it anyway. I needed to disappear and let someone else take over the reins for a bit and if Jack chooses that responsibility than ill let him. At least there will be a part of me that will be in complete bliss. Complete happiness. Absolute utter irresponsibility at its best and I didnt give two flying fucks. Inebriation was all that mattered and all that could be depended on to be a constant. Relishing in my bad judgments has just made life more interesting as my eyes begin to flutter and then clamp shut for their final time. The only thought that gleams through my mind is “beauty”, as my mind disappears behind the liquid that was flowing through its passage. “Pure Beauty”.

 

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Pleas

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Sometimes talking to you makes me feel idiotic and down right neurotic My seriousness is never matched and instead disregarded. There’s a solution for that and it’s to officially have my feelings discarded so that I’m no longer bombarded by the pain that’s pumped through my body like a narcotic. my heart is now permanently safeguarded and has lost it’s ability to be quixotic, it’s comatose and will only awake with a healthy dose of its antibiotic. Thats symbolic for your heeding. I’m so tired but please, one last time, I need you to stop my bleeding. No more disregarding, I’m pleading….

Even Though..

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My eyes can see and yet they are blind
I have ideas and yet I know I’ve lost my mind
My heart it feels even though it’s been bled
I hear sounds even though my drums are dead

My Mind

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You have no idea how my mind works.
Behind every corner something else lurks. It’s dark and dreary and it’s blind to the world. Ideas floating around in it’s own little dreamworld, being twirled in a colossal tornado. whipping through with no place to go though. I don’t know. Either do you. My minds an enigma times two, so fuck you. Stop trying to get me. You won’t. If you keep trying there’ll be things you’d wish to unsee, so please, just save face, just back off and leave me be.

Thoughts

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I’ve got these thoughts swimming in my head. To be alive or to be dead were the ones that were mostly said and force fed to my soul. With those thoughts, my soul turned black and permanently formed a hole that began to take toll on any light that was left. With the overwhelming darkness, the answer had become clear and without fear i shut down my body with only silence left to hear.

Letting Go

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“When are you going to stop looking at your phone every 5 minutes?” Avery glared at me from across the dinner table and spoke with an iced tone.
“Ave, leave your sister alone and finish your food.” My mother snapped at my younger sister for what was probably the fifth time today. Avery was only 11 to my 17 years of age and she just didn’t understand what I felt right now. I didn’t even understand what I was feeling right now.
“Its okay mom. Shes right. When am I going to stop staring at it? When will I realize that what i keep hoping for, is an impossibility. When mom?” My eyes started to burn and I could feel a few tears pushing their way through. I didn’t have many left after this past month but it always seemed like there were at least enough to show the world my obvious pain.
“Ally baby, it will happen in your own time. Its not easy when someone that was so much a part of your life disappears from it.”
“Of course I know that, but this is different. Its my fault that we aren’t together right now. Its because I wasn’t there, that my once best friend, no longer calls me. I will never see his face again or kiss his lips. I loved him and now he’s gone.” I stood up from the table and ran to my bedroom like a little kid. Tears pouring down my cheeks profusely. 
     I slammed my bedroom door shut behind me and just threw myself onto the bed with my face in the pillows. I knew no one would come talk to me for the rest of the evening. This isn’t the first time this scene has played out but I just couldn’t make it stop. 
     I wanted to just lay there and cry myself to sleep but at the same time, I was afraid to close my eyes. Every time I did, I saw him. Mark’s deep brown eyes staring into mine. Ever since I lost him, thats all Ive seen. Every memory we’ve had, every word spoken, and that final day just replays repeatedly in my head like a nightmare. 
     My eyes closed involuntarily and I was fast asleep in no time, despite my fears.
     There he was. Lounging in the Layzboy recliner, in my living room, playing the XBOX. It was the cutest sight. To see how intense he was with just a video game. How enthralled he could become. Even though he was obviously preoccupied, he still could always feel my presence. The second I walked into the room he paused his game and turned to look at me. It always amazed me how he did that and that he even would. 
“Hey, baby. Ready to snuggle?” He did a half grin and then sat the controller down on the floor and put his                right hand out for me to take it. I took his hand and then curled up on top of him. I laid upon his chest for a good 10 minutes before either of us spoke. It was a small slice of heaven that turned to hell in a matter of seconds.
“Are you excited for your 18th birthday?” I had been planning a surprise party for him and the closer it got, the more excited i became. I couldn’t contain my thoughts regarding it. Today was Thursday and his birthday and party were on Saturday. I only hoped that he would be as happy about the party and his birthday as I was.
“Eh. Mildly.” He leaned down and kissed my forehead.
“What do you mean mildly? You should be super excited.”
“After dealing with the family drama at Christmas, I’m just not looking for the drama at my birthday. Its inevitable though. Ive be grounded.”
My heart skipped a beat slightly “grounded? when? why?”
Mark sighed and then started to rub my side. “I know we talked about spending my birthday together but my mother is making me stay in the house this weekend for family festivities. My sister couldn’t make it for Christmas but is coming up tomorrow instead. I need to be there. I’m sorry baby. I hope this doesn’t ruin anything. We can celebrate next weekend.”
     My mind was frantically searching for something to say. It wasn’t his fault but i was hurt. I was angry. I stood up in front of him in tears already.
“Baby whats wrong? Don’t be mad.” He started to get up out of the chair and reach for me but i swiftly pulled away.
“I cant help it Mark. I am mad. You promised me.” I couldn’t control the tears or the words that started to spew. I was acting like a child. I knew it but I couldn’t stop. “I did so much Mark. You have no idea what Ive gone through to make Saturday special and you cant even fucking be there!” 
“Its okay, calm down. We’ll fix this some how. Whatever you had planned we can still do it but another time.”
“Its not okay and this cant be fixed. I need you to tell me you will be with me Saturday.”
     The moment I said those words, I knew what his response would be. I could see it in his eyes the moment he heard them. He didn’t even have to speak. I turned away from him and walked in the kitchen. He followed behind me trying to grab a hold of my arm.
“Please don’t walk away. How are you going to act like this? This isn’t what I had planned, it just happened. It was a last minute thing with my sister. I just found out last-night. You know I would be with you if i could. I love you Allison.”
“If you loved me, you’d be with me anyway.”
He backed away from me after I said that. The first time he actually said he loved me and I responded with that. I don’t blame him but I also didn’t care.
“You’re really going there? I tell you I love you and you don’t believe me because I choose to spend time with family, that I never see, over spending it with you. My sister goes home Sunday and you’re still here. Please tell me how this is fair?”
“Because your sister is bitch who has never been there for you. She has constantly put you down and caused problems and you don’t need to be around that negativity on your birthday. I planned so much Mark. I rented out a place that I could only get for this weekend, I had your best friend flying in to be here for you. There was so much that cant just be switched to another weekend. Its all ruined because your sister decides to drop in for her once a year visit.”
     Mark just looked at me in stunned silence. I knew he was trying to decide rather or not he was going to keep talking to smooth things over or if he just wanted to walk out. I wouldn’t even give him the chance to figure that out. 
“Why don’t you go home and get things ready for your sister tomorrow. I have a lot of phone calls to make for cancellations. You sure as hell better enjoy this weekend since you are putting her before me. I don’t want to hear otherwise. Call me when she’s gone.” I turned and just walked away. Leaving him standing there in the kitchen. I went in the basement to fold some laundry, half expecting him to follow me and apologize. Five minutes went by and then I heard the front door slam. He left things as they were which left me with tears of anger and sadness.

     I checked my phone on and off the rest of the night and all day Friday. I was hoping he would call despite our argument. The fact that he didn’t call, found a way to upset me more. I had no right to be upset though. About any of it. My pride turned me into a monster that destroyed my relationship without any qualms. I wanted to fix everything but I didn’t know how. The first step that I took was to get over myself and call to apologize. Of course though, he didn’t answer. I should have left a message but I didn’t. He was obviously ignoring me on purpose which caused the monster to grow into an even more fierce being.
     I put my phone on silent Friday evening and vowed to leave it be until Sunday, at the very least. I was even going to refuse to attempt in calling on his birthday. I went to bed around 10, angry and bitter Friday night. 
     I open my eyes to find Avery standing over my bed with a frightful look on her face. She put her hand on my face gently. “Its getting worse Ally. The screaming keeps getting louder.”
     I looked over at the alarm clock and saw that it read 1:24. Its always 1:24. Every night, I wake up screaming to a voice inside of my head yelling for me to get up. It scared me shitless but I didn’t know how to make it stop. I knew it was my guilt trying to push its way through. It woke me up every night at the exact time that Mark tried to call me that Friday night. He had needed me but my pride shut him out. All I had left was a voice mail.
     I leaned over to the nightstand and grabbed my phone as Avery walked back out of my room. I didn’t have the nerve to delete the only piece i had left of Mark. His voice remained on my phone, and every night that i was awoken, i listened to it. The way i should have listened that night.
     Mark was in tears on the other line. I could hear the pain in his voice. “Ally, I’m sorry. You were right. I should have just told my family to fuck off this weekend. I had a huge argument with my sister, and then my mother, and just… a lot happened baby. I really need you right now. I’m driving across the Winters Run Bridge right now and I just want to turn right into it. I need your voice to tell me not to. I need you bring me back baby. I love you…”
     The phone clicked and the call was over. The last words I had of him. I never knew that he had felt bad enough about his family to say those things. I always knew there were a lot of problems but he had never talked suicide before. Even with that voice-mail, I still have a hard time believing it. His actions though, made me believe. Made me believe in his pain that I knew nothing about. Made me believe that I was the reason this happened. I could have saved him if i wouldn’t have been stubborn enough to shut my phone off. If we wouldn’t have had our argument maybe these circumstances wouldn’t even have occurred. I tried not to blame myself but how could i not? 
     It had been about a month and I was still waking up to the voices. Even on the nights that I have tried to stay up past the dreaded 1:24, I would wake at 6 instead. The time my mother came in to tell me that Marks car had gone over a bridge. He was gone now and my subconscious was continually making sure that I remembered why. I never even went to his funeral because i had locked myself in my room for days. I couldn’t get over the last things i said to him. I never even told him how much i loved him too. 
     I deserved this. Every bit of the torture i endured in the night. He also deserved to know that. To know it all. 
     I don’t know what came over me but i had to leave. I needed air. I grabbed my coat and keys and jumped in my car. I didn’t care where i went, I just drove. I should have figured that if my subconscious was running things that i would end up here. Angel Hill Cemetery. Ive avoided this place since day one and yet now, here i was. I didn’t know where Mark was buried but I just walked through the grave stones and somehow manged to find his name. 
     My heart stilled at the sight of his name printed on the cold gray stone. For a moment i wasn’t even sure it would start up again. My legs became uncontrollably weak and i just fell to my knees into the dew covered grass and sobbed. 
“I’m so sorry baby. You shouldn’t be here. This shouldn’t have happened. None of it should have happened. I love you. I should have told you that the moment you said it to me. I’m such an idiot to have let a silly thing such as pride get in the way. I had no idea that this could have been a possible outcome. I’m not ready to let you go. I cant let you go. Please come back to me..” I was sobbing to the point that i couldn’t even see any longer. i was hurting so bad and I just wish he could hear me. To know how badly i felt. How wrong I was. I would take it all back if I could. 
     I lay there sobbing on top of his grave for probably hours. It was the closest I had felt to him since I lost him and I never wanted to leave. I never wanted to let go of any part of him again but I knew I couldn’t continue to live like this either. I wanted to take my own life to be with him. It was only right. 
     I eventually passed out from all of the sobbing and woke to the sun rising into the sky. I picked myself up and drove home, knowing what it was I needed to do. 
     I locked myself in my room and took what I had left of the Vicoprophen from my back injury a few months ago. I was never a fan of pain killers but I had a deep pain that I could not recover from on my own, or at all. I curled up in bed holding onto my extra pillow as i felt the pills kick in and send me off to sleep.

“What did you do Ally?”
     I heard his sweet voice and I knew I had to be in heaven. At least I was hoping I was there by his side. “Mark?”

I turned my head around swiftly trying to find the mouth that spoke those words. All I could see was a white emptiness surrounding me.
“What did you do Ally?”
“Mark please. I need to see you”  I started to see a faint shadow appear in front of me and I felt as if I lost all control of myself. All muscle function fled from me.
     The shadow knelt down to grab my hand and I could finally, lightly, make out his face “Ally baby, why?”
“Mark. Oh my god.” I threw my arms around his neck and held him tighter than anything ever before. “Its really you.”
“Allison, why?”
“I’m so sorry Mark. Its all my fault. None of this should have happened. I love you so much and I wasn’t there for you. I did this. To both of us.” I felt his hand come up to cheek to wipe away a tear. I had never felt anything quite so soft and gentle.
“Baby, its not your fault. Look at me…” He grabbed my chin and forced my eyes to his “Its my fault. It was never your job to save me even though I know you would have tried. I was in a bad place for a long time but I kept everything inside because I didn’t want to bring you down. You were the only thing that made me happy and I couldn’t stand  it if I made you worry about me. If I would have been open about what was going on with my emotions then maybe I could have gotten help sooner. It was my choice in a moment of weakness.”
“But our fight Mark. I shouldn’t have..” He put his finger to my lips to make me stop talking.
“Yes, we had a stupid argument. It happens. However, it had no bearings on what I was feeling that night.”
“I never got to tell you how I loved you.”
“Aww baby, I already knew. You didn’t have to say it for me to see it. I could see it in the way you cared for me. Its okay. Its time for you to let it go.”

  fade away but I could still hear the voice in my head “Get up Ally. Get up!”
     My eyes fluttered open and I could see bright white walls and hear a beeping over to my right. I then heard a frantic scream from Avery yelling for mom. The next thing I knew, I had arms around me and kisses on my face.
“Don t you ever do something like that again. Oh my god Ally, we thought we lost you. When you didn’t answer and the door was locked I called the cops in a panic. I am so happy I did because they said if it were any longer…. I, I’m just so happy you’re okay.”
     As my mom continued to hug me I remembered what I had did, and where I must have been. I also remembered Mark. For the first time though, I smiled when I thought of his face. I wish I wouldn’t have had to put my family through this to get that feeling but I finally felt as if I could let go of what happened. I will always miss him and Ill never forget. 
     That night, I slept until the sun rose the next morning. The morning that marked a new beginning.

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Heart for Heart

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 Everywhere I look, I see hearts. Red hearts, pink hearts, damn near every color of the rainbow hearts, and I have about had it. The only heart that matters to me right now is the one that’s broken to pieces and bleeding within my chest. Even that heart, I wish I could forget. I wish I could rip it directly out of my chest cavity and either find a way to mend the broken pieces or finish the job by throwing it in a blender and setting it to purée. At this point, I’m leaning more towards the purée option because I doubt there is anything in this world that could fix the damage done, or the pain that I feel. I’d rather destroy all that is left of myself before I let my heart beat, ache, or break again over Grant. 

Maybe I should look at things differently though. Maybe it should be Grants heart that I decide to rip from his chest. Ground it into a liquid form and then slowly force feed it back down his throat. Just envisioning that kind of makes my heart thump with enthusiasm instead of the pain it’s been forced to feel. 

So I guess that’s the answer to this silly holiday this year. It won’t be flowers and chocolates, or stuffed animals and colored candied hearts that make my own heart flutter with passion. It’ll be Grants heart, within my hands, taking its last beat that will bring me pleasure. To mend my own heart, I’ll need to use his. This valentine’s day I’ll be the one to create the butterflies within my own stomach, to fulfill that longing ache in my chest. There is nothing sweeter than delivering some much overdue revenge.

“Excuse me?”

I barely heard the faint voice coming from in front of me but it was enough to bring me back to the here and now. I looked down at the counter where the customer had sat her belongings that she wished to purchase. Among them, of course, were cards declaring love and heart shaped odds and ends. It was enough to make me want to vomit right on top of them.

It was always a happy experience for me working at Hallmark in my spare time. The holidays brought me joy. Watching people come in with smiles on their faces, happy to be purchasing objects for their loved ones. It provided me with a sense of elation that I don’t think I would have felt without seeing the love within everyone’s souls first hand. I no longer felt that.

Just something else Grant has taken from me. Now seeing the smiles on their faces just makes me want to carry out my venomous ideas on them as well. I could only hope that once the source of my pain was eradicated I would be myself once again. Someone who wasn’t filled to the brim with anger and animosity. Someone who used to love the people of the world instead of wanting to murder them all in cold blood. I could only hope. Until I made something happen I was forced to allow the world to see a face that was no longer exhibiting an ounce of truth.

“Are you ready to check out miss?”

“Yes.”

“Did you find everything alright?”

“Yes, thank you.”

I scanned each product and placed it into a bag, all while keeping my fake smile on my face and my vomit from coming forth. She swiped her card and I handed over her holiday oriented purchases.
“Have a nice day” Even though what I really wanted was for her to have the furthest from that. I was becoming such a misanthrope and soon it would start to show.

I managed to fight my way through the remainder of the day and decided it was time for me to decide just exactly what I was going to do with Grant. It was time that he paid for his indiscretions. I could no longer live with the pains that he had created.

I made my way back to my dorm room on campus. My roommate would still be in class so I would have some extra time to figure everything out. I don’t know if I’ve seen too many movies or read too many books but I had a plethora of ideas floating around in my head. My anger did not know any bounds and my imagination was beginning to run wild. I knew if I was going to do this that I should be smart about it and think everything through. The more I thought though, it seemed that my biggest concern was on how I would find a way to be alone with Grant.
I hardly looked in Grants direction any more, yet alone talk to him. He’s going to know something is up if I attempt to do so now, I had to figure something out or everything would just fall apart.

Hours went by before I even had any suitable ideas for luring floating around in my head. Its not that I was having second thoughts about my abrasive decision but I had to go over every single possibility to make sure it was done right. The last thing I wanted was to end up in jail just for getting the justice I deserved. Plus, ridding the world of Grant would be more of a civic duty. No one else needed to fall victim to his debauchery. I didn’t realize that I was capable of such inhuman qualities. I guess that when the devil decides to touch your heart, it’s not easy to keep him from taking full control. I have definitely proved that. I have welcomed the devil and his demons completely in with welcome arms. I have given them a permanent home to reside in. One filled with plenty of pain to feed upon to fuel the demons dark desires.

I was staring up at the ceiling when the final plans flashed through my mind. The ideas were there and it was finally time to turn them into a reality. My plan had boarded insanity, for the longer I thought about what I wanted to do, the less I thought about being caught. Eventually it came down to pleasing the demons within me, anyway possible. If that landed me in jail or dead in the end, I no longer even cared. My mission relied solely upon a gruesome revenge under any and all circumstances. My hunger for self-preservation had died the moment I allowed the devil full access.
I decided that the only way to get Grant anywhere alone, I would have to first find out if he already had plans set for Valentine’s Day and with whom. Two days to go and I felt like I had more than enough work cut out for me. I no longer spoke to anyone within Grants circle so I wasn’t entirely sure on how I was going to accomplish that. I would though. I would find a way to make it all happen.

******

Valentine’s Day arose, and at 5pm I was standing in front Grants room ready to start. I was wearing a blond wig that I had left over from Halloween and a shit load of makeup smeared across my face. I wanted to resemble Grants current flavor of the week as much as possible to cover my tracks and to ensure he would open his door. Grant had a single room so worrying about roommates wasn’t a problem. What was a problem, was the short amount of time I had allowed myself to finish everything. With the schedule that bastard led, I had no choice but to work around what I was given.
I stood for another second and then decided it would be best if I could just sneak up on him. I had a syringe filled of Suxamethonium waiting in my bag that I slowly began to pull out. Once I had the syringe in prime position, I began to turn the knob to his room, praying it was unlocked. It was.

I scanned the room for any signs of Grant but quickly realized the room was empty. I stood still for a moment and could faintly hear the sound of running water. Perfect actually. Grant was taking a shower. I crept in the bathroom and slowly opened the shower door without him noticing a thing. Grant had no idea that this was going to be his last moments.

I jabbed the syringe into his back and watched his body as it dropped to the floor. His eyes were still open and I knew he would still be aware of everything that was going on even though he couldn’t move a muscle. Somehow that made it even more appealing.
Maybe I took the easy way out by paralyzing Grant first but seriously, there was no way I could have fought him off without it. He didn’t deserve a chance to fight back anyway because that’s something he never even gave me.
Grant and I dated for 6 months. We were very serious in had declared our love for one another but had yet to consummate the relationship. I had a horrid past to overcome that he said he respected and loved me enough to give me whatever time I needed. I once thought that was the sweetest most caring thing in the world. Until Christmas when all of his Belligerent lies blew up in his face.
After giving me a gift with another’s initials upon it, Grant confessed to juggling multiple girls. Girls I even knew. Things had become heated. I was broken but I also knew that we were done. I turned to leave him but he did not allow it.
“I didn’t just waste 6 months of my time and mounds of money just for you to walk out on me.”
He grabbed my arm, spun me around, and then threw me against the wall. My head hit the molding that surrounded the door hard enough to cause blood to form and dizziness to occur. I was so close to falling unconscious due to the impact. Every day I wish I would have. Instead, I’m stuck with the memories of being immobile and unresponsive underneath of Grants body. He got what he wanted and then all I remember after was blackness. I passed out shortly after he had finished. Not only had he broken my heart that night but he broke my spirit. I loved him and he treated me like I was nothing. Regarded me as if I were his little whore he could control.
I awoke the following morning and immediately went to the police. The bastard was slicker and smarter than I would have imagined. He had cleaned everything after I had passed out. The destruction, the blood, the cum. There was no trace that anything had occurred except for a minor scrap that was left on my scalp. Not enough to prove a thing. Grant even managed to create an air tight alibi leaving me to even begin second guessing myself.
I knew what had happened and there was no one who believed me. What made everything worse was that when I looked at him I still felt a small pang in my chest. Just a sliver of love that was left over from what I had once felt for him. He killed every part of me that night. Destroyed every ventricle of my heart. It was joyous to know that the time was now for me to return the favor.
I stared into his eyes for a moment before I reached back in my bag for the cleaver I had brought. The cleaver felt unbelievable within my grasp. It felt like it was always meant to be there. That definitely did not bode well for my psyche. I could tell that the moment I decided to do this, there would be no turning back. My soul, what was left of it, would be lost with the rest.

   I chuckled softly to myself. I no longer controlled that choice and it no longer mattered to me either. I had a gleam in my eye and a smile on face. The pain within my heart already began to lift the second I allowed the tip of the clever to touch his chest. I never imagined I could feel such a rush of exhilaration just surge throughout my body. I knew at that moment there was no doubt in having to do this.

In one swift moment, I no longer saw the cleaver. It was now completely embedded within that bastard’s chest. I cut just enough space to fit my hand up under the rib cage. Enough room to yank his heart right from his chest. I didn’t even flinch, I didn’t even care. I cried tears of joy when I saw Grants heart emerge within the palm of my hand, still finishing its last beat. I then laid it on the floor and stabbed the clever through the middle of it. My pain dissipated completely at that moment and was now being emulated by the scene that sat before me. Best Valentine’s Day gift ever.

At that moment, I didn’t care what happened to me anymore. If I was caught and I had to spend the rest of my life in jail for this, then that would be okay. Even whilst behind a jail cell they would never be able to take the freedom away from me that I just gave myself. No one or no thing will ever be able to accomplish that again. The demons I have awoken will now make sure of that.

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Guessing Games

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“If you can guess what I have in my pocket you can have it.”

I scoffed, “Why would I want what’s in your pocket anyway? It’s probably just trash”

“Ehh, wrong. Not trash. Care for another guess?”

I stared at him in disbelief and shook my head “That wasn’t even a guess Lucas. It was a statement clarifying why I wasn’t playing your stupid game. ”

“Well it’s not trash so you have no reason not to play. So come on, just take a guess.”

“I swear Luke, some days you are just so annoying. Fine…. your wallet. ”

“Nope.” 

I threw my hands on my hips and glared at him. “What do you mean no? I can see your wallet bulging out of your back pocket. So hand it over. Rules are rules,” I started grabbing for his back pocket but he was trying to keep me at arms length. 

“Whoa now, I wasn’t talking about that pocket.” 

“You never designated a specific pocket. Any pocket is fair game. Better hand it over Bucko.”

“Ugh, fine. It’s not like there’s anything in it anyway. You know I don’t carry money.”

He shook his head and pulled his wallet out to give me. 

“A quick laugh at your driver’s license picture would cheer me up though,” I chuckled and snatched his wallet quickly before he changed his mind. 

“I bet you just find that hilarious. I’m glad I can entertain you with my poor photogenic qualities. ”

“As long as it makes you happy dear. Are we done playing now or will you continue to keep me guessing?”

“Why are you always so damn difficult Lacey?”

“I don’t call that difficult, I call it practical. It’s a waste of time. If you wanted me to have something I shouldn’t have to guess for it.”

“How old are you again Lace? I swear all of the fun has been sucked out of you ever since…” He stopped mid sentence, thinking better of it, but it was already too late. 

“Go ahead. You can say it. Ever since I found out about my mother. You’re right too, I just can’t help it. It’s always in the back of my head that I will no doubt turn into exactly what she is. It’s always going to be there Luke but you don’t have to deal with it too. Maybe it’s good that we know about her now so that you have your chance to get out while you can. ”

“Lacey, hush. This was obviously the wrong way to go about things. I guess it’s what I get for trying to think outside of the box.” Lucas dropped to one knee and then reached for my hand. “I know what you found out bothered you. I know that you are afraid. But I’m not. You are not her and you never will be. I have absolute faith in the person that you are and in what you strive to be. I want to be with you despite your fears because I know it’s not you.”

“But what if it is me.”

“Baby, it’s not. But, if something were to happen I would still stand by your side. Nothing would make me run from you. I want you forever, in spite of all that I already know. Your flaws and your perfections. I love you no matter what and I would love to spend the rest of my life proving that to you,” He reached for his pocket to pull out a small box. He opened it and tears immediately fled from my eyes. At the same time, I also started laughing, and I couldn’t stop. Lucas just stared at me in shock. He was hurt that I was laughing. I needed him to understand why. 

I knelt down with him and took both of his hands. “I don’t mean to laugh but I was just thinking about what I now know was a previous proposal. I feel like an idiot for not playing along.”

“I feel like an idiot for trying to be cryptic. This way was better. So Lacey, now that you know what was in my pocket, would you like to wear it?”

I put my arms around his neck and whispered “yes” into his ear. “On one condition though.” He pushed me back so he could see my face and then raised an eyebrow to get me to continue. “No more guessing games, alright?”

He chuckled And pulled me in for a hug. “Done.”

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Center Of My Universe

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“You finally killed me”

“I killed you? Really? You’re standing in front of me looking pretty alive to my eyes”

“You would say that. Just because someone is physically in front of you doesn’t mean their soul is present.”

“So the fact that you are a soulless bitch is my fault how?”

“Dammit Jake, you just don’t get it. You never did.”

“Then why put up with something that bothers you so?”

He was right on so many levels. Why do I continue to fight over the little things that bother me? Why not just walk away so those things are no longer there? The answer to that is why I’m still here. Some days I feel dead inside but the answer has always been enough to hold onto hope that the dead could once again rise. 

“Because I love you. I fucking love you. Despite every little thing that you have done or not done, to hurt my heart, it still loves you. I still fight because you say you reciprocate that love. Maybe this makes me the idiot here but I believe if that’s true, than you would want to fix the parts that are harming me. I hold onto hope that you would want to help mend the pieces you’ve had a hand in destroying.” A tear rolled down my cheek even though I tried to reel it back in. My emotions were an uncontrollable wreck. “I can ask you to change but it’s useless unless you actually want to. You should want to though. You should want us to be happy.”

“I do want us to be happy. I want you to be happy because I do love you. Leah baby… We aren’t happy. Love does not create happiness. We’ve had our problems. The same ones repeatedly. I’ve tried to change. I’ve tried to give you everything you’ve wanted but I can’t make it last. I am but one person and I can only do so much. You have always been the center of my universe but baby, you aren’t the entire thing. If you could be, I’d make it so, but the universe is filled with other obstacles. Our obstacles are different from each other so it’s hard to imagine what we both go through separately but I know it’s not the same.”

Jake was trying to hold back his own tears as he reached for the side of my face. “If we both cannot change at the same time, for each other, than maybe our love shouldn’t be the only answer.”

“What are you saying?”

“I’m saying that we aren’t happy. You are never satisfied with what I can offer you even though I’m trying my hardest. You deserve to be happy and if that means cutting me out of your life for someone else that has the ability to give you what I can’t then that’s what should happen.”

“So you’re done fighting?”
“That’s the thing Leah, we shouldn’t have to. Not like this. I don’t want to let you go but what we’ve been doing lately is just going in circles. Accomplishing nothing but hurting each other.”

“You know that I would rather continue to hurt daily than to lose you. ”

“I know you would. That’s why we are still here like this. That’s not healthy. Like you said, it’s killed you. I want you to live, I want to bring you back. I just don’t think I can. You’re putting too much into me and nothing into yourself.”

“I want it to be you,” Leah breathed.

“Wanting and needing are so very different things. I want it to be me too, but maybe it shouldn’t be.”

I collapsed to the ground in defeat. I didn’t know what to do anymore. He was right. He’s always been right. We both had our issues but I always expected him to change without changing myself. I expected him to be my only savior and relied on him to stay breathing. What I should have been doing was saving myself. Putting time and energy in other things that mattered like he would do. I made jake my everything, my entire universe instead of just the center. Whenever he left me for his obstacles, I was left with nothing. My nothing was what has killed me. Not him.

“You’re right Jake, it shouldn’t.” I sighed loudly and looked up into his eyes. “I hate that it takes arguments like this one for me to see what’s really going on around me. It’s not just you. Most of it is me. I’ve been living for you and only you and have been expecting you to do the same. It’s the wrong thing to be doing on my part. I’ve been too afraid of losing you that I’ve been holding on too tight. I’ve always been and all or nothing type of person. It seems that has done nothing but isolate me. I don’t want us to go our separate ways. I want to fix this. Fix me. The thing is, I don’t want you to feel like you have to take responsibility for it all.”

“Okay… What do you want?”

“I want your help. I want to do it together. I need to be able to see outside of you. I don’t want the only way to be able to do that is for you not to be there though. So I want your help if you are willing to keep fighting with me. I’m not willing to let you go so I hope you are willing to stay.”

“What keeps this from happening all over again? From us falling right back into the same routines of not giving each other enough or giving each other too much?” He asked.

“Nothing does I guess. There is no such thing as a guarantee in a relationship. Things happen. Emotions get in the way. The difference is that we are both aware of the issue. If we both try to be patient with one another and open to our mistakes and learning curves then maybe it will make things easier. Make us happier to know that we are trying for each other. I never want to stop trying.”

“Okay. We try. We fight. I will do what I can to continue to help you and us. You really need to cut me some slack though.”

“I know. I’m so sorry for all of this. You’ve been my whole universe instead of my stabilized center. I’ve ignored everything else when I shouldn’t have. Help me change that. Make me see that I won’t lose you by letting other things in and accepting that you already do.”

“Baby I’ll do my best but most of it will be a fight you need have within yourself. I’ll be here though. You aren’t losing me. No matter what obstacles occur, the fact that you are my center will never change.”

He reached down for my hand and pulled me up to his chest. In his arms once again, I knew that this was right. I would fight a million times over to continue to feel this, right here, for the rest of my life. Even if it meant fighting an internal battle daily. I at least knew I wouldn’t be alone and all I had to do was remember that.

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Thank you ;)

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I want to throw out a Thank You post right now.

This is my first WordPress account and I am just now trying to get some things posted up here. Thank you for everyone’s support while I get things rolling. Here’s hoping that I don’t disappoint… too much. 🙂

 

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